resolution: be happy

Know I haven't actually posted anything in just about forever, but wanted to wish all my friends (some I can't call for continental restrictions...) a happy new year and decade! I'm feeling kind of refreshed to start this one. I'll be out babysitting tonight. Who knows, maybe it's practice for later in the new decade... :)

'Tis the Season

So, being very productive, just not with class work, I made my family's Christmas Wreath during Sculpture class out of seed pods and pine cones. I still need to add Holly berries, but here's a shot of it...

Feelin Thankful...

Went to Mystic Seaport yesterday and today with the fam. It was a lot of fun, and my immediate family rocks...here's a couple shots from my mothers new awesome camera. As always, my grandfather shared many fabulous stories, so I'm glad someone finally snapped a shot of it. The other is me with one of my 9 year old cousins.

New piece

So here's the new piece I've been working on. Very Andy Goldsworthy, not sure how I feel about it. It's not finished yet, it will be a whole oval shape, not in two pieces. Also, the pink styrofoam is just a guide. That'll be gone, and the piece will hang on the wall. So, there you have it.

Grandpa's Wisdom

I often get incredibly amusing and touching emails or mailed notes from my grandfather. He likes to call it his "Words of Wisdom".

Now that it's approaching Christmas season, when I bake cinnamon cookies with my grandparents, he sent me this lovely little charm that I thought needed to be shared:

The xmas cookie course consists of four parts;

!st. bake pre-cut cookie dough and eat the snibbles (enticement).
2nd roll out the dough which was made the night before and refrigerated (labor)
3rd stamp the dough with your own cookie cutter (satisfaction)
4th place in a box lined with waxed paper while picking out the clinkers,
to be eaten later (reward)

4 weeks left

Man, oh, man, I don't believe this is my semester. I am hanging on by my teeth, and really looking forward to finals being here and gone. My meditation posture and my exercise habits may have improved, but that's about it. If I make it out of this semester still sane, I think I'll bake everyone who reads this a pie. Or cookies.

What you can find in a pile of shunt...

I spent much needed hours of cleaning today, and besides my bedroom floor, I found a few interesting old things...

I think these were the coolest to find:

This is my first recorded self-portrait :)


And second is one of my headshot which I haven't seen in a very long time from when I did plays/ballets and such...

Christmas everyday

This year my family has further proved its craziness. We have all agreed that it is sort of silly to wait all year for an arbitrary date, Christmas, to give gifts to each other. It's a pretty strong tradition between my brothers, mother, and I that when we see something we think one of us might really enjoy, or reminds us of them, we get it and give it to them. So why wait months for someone to enjoy something?

This year we've decided that we will still reserve some presents for Christmas, but would all enjoy just as much (if not more, since you're recieving one present not fifteen...) if someone would give us a present whenever they feel appropriate.

Tonight I received my first Christmas present from my mom: really cute flannel sheets! I know I'm like a hundred, but I love new sheets! I can enjoy this so much more than the bags and bags on Christmas that are just overwhelming...

New program

I'm so excited! I have pretty much figured out not only the tracks available, but which one I want to follow. I have figured out how to go for a BA in Art, double major in Art History, and study abroad a semester. And I won't take any extra semesters, nor do I have to take more than 12 or 15 credits a semester to graduate on time. This has taken all of my logic, reasoning, and organization, but now I'm super excited. All I have to do is go talk to the Art History undergrad adviser (who coincidentally is my awesome art history professor) and the study abroad office.

BOO YA! I feel like celebrating...

Admission

So, big admission, my anxiety has been getting the best of me for a while now, and has resulted in panic attacks, a lot of crying, and a pretty strong ambition to do absolutely none of my work.

So to attempt to counteract this without drugs, I sort of took a me day. I got a pedicure with my mom, reflexology and all. Then I went to my art history (which I'm ashamed to admit that not only am I in love with art history itself, but I'm slightly smitten with my professor...) and then finished out the day going to the gym to not work out. Instead I went in the hot tub, and the steam room (which is now my total favorite!). Then Mac an cheese for dinner.

Not quite ready for handling tomorrow, but definitely closer. Plus, today kicked ass!

Heart attack much??

Yesterday, out the blue as my younger brother and I are leaving the house, he turns to me and says "You really need to get a girlfriend."

Now, this might not be so stunning, but I never said anything to either of my brothers about liking girls. This means that either 1. he has been snooping around my blogs and the ones I read, or 2. my mother told him/ let him know somehow.

Either way, I was totally thrown off-guard and didn't have any sort of response. Obviously. I have to admit that I have been comfortable with my mother knowing for the past year, so to have other people finding out is a little unnerving. I didn't know whether to defend myself or be really happy that he totally didn't care. All he seems to be concerned about is that I stay in on Friday nights...

Anyways, I guess now that my family seems fine with this news, it's only me that's still uncomfortable...

Counter-Protest

While I am rather heartbroken I couldn't be there this morning, my university both surprised and sincerely impressed me today. The Westboro Baptist Church, commanded by the horrible bully, Fred Phelps, had arranged a protest of the Rutgers Hillel for today. There was much frantic scurry and disagreement on facebook about what responses we should give to this protest. I was so glad to see groups organizing a peaceful counter-protest. I made sure to invite everyone I know who goes to my school, but I really didn't think that many people would show up. (It started at 8:00Am, supposed to finish 9:30) But after hearing from so many people about how amazing it was that over 1,000 students showed up to give support to our Hillel and counter-protest the WBC, I was shocked, and so glad to be at Rutgers! From what I heard from four different groups of people was that the WBC protesters had already left by the time they got there, which they said was about 8:30Am.

I love that my University can pull together the support of so many kids like that, even when the weather was horrible, and this definitely increased school pride from what I've seen, as well as my own trust and security in the amazingness of my student body. If anyone would like to see some excellent photos, or read more about the protest, here's my friend Lauren's article about it: http://literarylens.org/2009/10/rutgers-united-against-hate/

staying healthy

Got the H1N1 vaccine this morning (nasal version, so much better than a shot!), and have a prescription for Guardasil. and I should get my normal flu shot. let's see how many vaccines I can fit into a week...

When will midterms end?!

So, I know it's midterm week number 2 and all, but I seem to be taking this week as quite a fumble. And it's only monday. It has finally sunk in that my older brother will be moving out at the end on the month, and despite my complaining about him, I am handling this with less than my best appearances. We have, however, been having a blast playing RockBand on his wii, which he got for his birthday last weekend. It's going to be very odd not seeing my brother everyday, even though he'll be within biking distance of my sculpture studio...

I'm not sure if there's much redeeming to be done for this week, but there's a good chance by Friday morning I'll be back on track. I hope. I've just taken to hiding in my studio and producing massive amounts of artwork when I don't want to do anything else. I guess I could procrastinate doing worse things...

Thought I was finished, but I guess there was another one...

If you

If you could hear

The songs I write for

The sunsets burning

To the harmony

Of my well-being.

If you could ask the autumn leaves

What they see on my face

When no one else

Glories in their reinvention,

They’d chuckle and dance in the wind.

If you could watch

How my dreams fill the page,

Inhaling their first breath

With the sweep of my 5B,

And a light touch of hope.

If you could be enveloped

By the love in my house,

Hugged by my memories

Ten years early,

With the same family

I was supposed to leave behind.

If you could smell

The gifts I bake the world,

The sweet nourishment

As they swirl in the bowl

Of creativity and sate.

If you could sing with me

At sunrise,

Letting the robins

Sleep in this season,

While I guide the morning

Into the afternoon

You know so well.

If you could interact

With all the characters,

From all the worlds,

That reside inside

The imagination of

My overactive potential.

If you could breathe in

The familiar crisp of change,

Rejoicing in the motion

Of breathing, peacefully,

As a part of the most magnificent

Of worlds. Yours.

If you could see who I am

When I’m the person I love to be,

You would wish to be

The person you love to be, too.

And I would love you for it.

If only you could see me.

CLR

more work

Some shots of a new cloth and resin piece for my critique tomorrow. Despite appearances, there is no box supporting it underneath, just the cloth. I also have been working on an illustration of my little monk character I want to expand, but I'll put that up when it's totally finished...

Loving October

Well, I had another incredible weekend with my family. A few months ago my mother and I found out about this really awesome old theatre in Jersey City, the Loews, where they show old silent films, and Saturday was the opening of the season. So my parents, younger brother, and I drove up, had dinner, and went to see this historic "movie palace". I was pretty much stunned when I walked in. Amazing! The organ accompaniment, too, was amazing. This place is run only by volunteers and I was thinking about offering to help out in their restoration of the place.
Secondly, today I went to yet one more incredible show at McCarter Theatre. It was a performance of Having Our Say, and very well done. Their staging is so cool. There was one set that slid by itself onto stage and included a functioning kitchen, in which they made a sauce and real meatloaf.
Thirdly, I was able to watch my big brother play soccer for the first time since he was in high school. He recently joined an adult men's team in the area, and this was the first game I could make it to. I love watching those games, and I got to spend time with his girlfriend, too, on the sidelines. It felt like such a classic fall day, it was great.
It turns out, October is way more awesome than September...

Here are a few photos of the old theatre I tried to take. Some are blurry, cuz it was so dark in there, but I didn't have my nicer camera...

a poem

But if I could only dance for you.

If I could dance,
I’d changement your low expectations,
Arabesque them right through the glass ceiling
Of who do you think you are?
And
What’s so different about you?

I’d plier so deep,
Even the bottom of your disbelief
Would follow the grace of my knees,
Tracing the curvature of my neck,
Enveloped in the fire I’m spreading.

They always told me I was a jumper,
Pushing heights with my jeters,
Whisking tradition off my dance floor,
With each change of the ankle.

I could teach you how to walk,
Heel, Ball, Change. Heel, Ball, Change.
I could teach you how to walk,
Hip, Hip, Hip, Hip.
I could teach you how to walk,
Brush, Brush, Quiet!

I can teach you how to dance.

I can’t teach you how to spot,
Because I never learned to keep my focus on a single point.
And I can’t teach you a split,
Because I never intended to stay on the ground.

I can teach you how to feel.

I know how to fly.
To beat to the rhythm of eights,
With big hands pressing harder
On my already aching arches,
To spin with no fear
That I’d end up,
On the other side of the mirror,
Still looking myself in the eyes,
Seeing everything,
From the flames on my back,
To my sweat on the floor,
And my body unleashed,
For the catharsis
Of desire.

white flowers

So yesterday I was feeling kind of antsy and rushed, wanting to get to school and get to class, for no reason in particular. I was on this road by my house, getting annoyed behind a slow driver, when I saw this grandfather pushing a kid in a stroller. He suddenly stopped the stroller, and walked up a hill to these bushes, leaving the kid on the sidewalk. I was starting to get really annoyed at this grandfather, too, for just leaving the kid there. Then I saw the grandfather come down the hill with a bundle of these beautiful white blossoms from the tree on the hill, bend over, and give the flowers to his grandson. Each of the flowers were about the size of the kid's head! It was so sweet! I kept thinking about this grandfather's gesture all day, and it made my day really much better, and I slowed down a bit after that. It was just a really touching moment, and unexpected when you're driving...

Facebook rocks (sometimes)

As much as anyone might bash Facebook, I totally love finding old acquaintances again! It's fantastic to find someone awesome you lost touch with. Like Gibby. Yes, I found Gibby on Facebook. How weird is that?? Makes me want to dance, haha.

I hope I have a window seat

Well, I haven't been on a plane since March, which is a long time for me, so I am very happy to be leaving on one tonight! I love planes, and airports (except for the security) and I always feel like a little kid when I'm flying, all nervous and excited. I almost always have a window seat, and despite a fear of heights, my favorite part is watching take-off. So, I'll be back Monday, but until then I'll be jetting off to where? Disney, of course.

thank goodness for lunch

Chocolate pudding can make even the worst of days better.

hot damn

More Stream Videos

Deja Vu

So, back-story: At Disney, you can color blank masks at each of the kids stations at the country pavilions in Epcot. Needless to say, I always make at least one. This trip, I was nearly finished with my mask, and I stopped in the Morocco pavilion for the silver Sharpie. While I was there the cast member working there said he really loved my mask, and could he buy it off of me. I ended up giving it to him, and tool a photo of me with the mask and him with the mask, and we exchanged emails. He wanted me to send the photo when I got home, and I haven't been able to get it off of my mother's camera to email it.

Today: I had a dream this morning that I was in Disney, talking to Ali, this cast member from Morocco. I apologized for not sending the picture, and said I would as soon as I could. When I checked my email later, I had an email from him.

Ok, that was kind of a long back-story for all that, but how weird! I guess we're really in sync with other!

Hoorah!

I got my own studio!!!

Be Peace, Be Joy, Be Hope

The morning presentation of The Five Mindfulness Trainings and Three Jewels on the last day. The yellow is their dress robe. The brown is their typical robe.

Retreat with Thay (Thich Nhat Hanh)

I'm not even sure what to say about this last week away. It might truly have been the best week of my life. I joined the WakeUp movement. I didn't actually do much at all. I may need to spend a summer in either the Plum Village, Deer Park, or Blue Cliff Monastery...

Me, in a monastery? I know, unthinkable.

I'm done?

Well, it's officially Tuesday, and I can't believe I'm up this late! I finally pulled out my 8 page paper for my English class, after many crappy drafts, and WAY too many meltdowns. But I think, just maybe, I'm done with the class...

Excitingly, I am leaving for my Buddhist retreat in MA today!! I'm so excited, but still not packed...*$@(&T@^ Maybe this week away (no phone, no internet, no work) will chill my nerves a bit. (And hopefully soften my language that's been flaring up, haha)

And here is a photo of one of the two girls I babysit for, whom I saw today. She's the younger sister. She told me I was as old as a guy on tv, who was probably 35. I responded by saying, but I'm only 19. She said "but..." with perfect comedic pause "I'm four."Well, she set me straight today. She's too cute for her own good sometimes.

Onto the Final Paper

If, indeed, it's learning that I love and want to do, I gotta get past this little snobbery of mine...

Please Please

I can not WAIT for the Fall to start...

third to last class

Psht. I got thrown out of class today (along with at least 2/3 of my class) for not being prepared, and reading the wrong book ( like the other 2/3 of the class...). I'm sure it's just that we're all lazy, disrespecting students who don't care. Yup, gotta be it.

Adirondacks= No party, No cellphone

Can I just say HOW MUCH I missed my girls this weekend?! I loved seeing my little brother perform, but I can't believe I missed the Seance! (again!) A year is too long for this, I need my Segi's!

Anybody back in January? Please, please, please!

been thinking...

I can't seem to write anything. I've been a bit lost in my thoughts for a few weeks now, and perhaps when I get the thought stuff figured out, I'll be able to write. I'll keep trying, but I think I'm going through some sort of revelation or something. I keep fixating on these ideas, trying to work the concepts out. I'll get there, but I might be sorta quiet in the mean time...

turnpike beauty

So, yesterday, passing the factories on the turnpike around dusk, the lights from the buildings shone through the fence on the side of the road. I swear, for a minute it looked like gilded brail being read really fast.

the Bouncer from Boston

I am officially in love with my English professor. When she said we'd be "close reading" texts, I thought I was screwed, but anyone who can discuss the lack of conversation surrounding male homosexual rape in the slave/ slaveholder relationship because of the implicit power struggle that upsets our conventional idea of masculinity and male power (without reservations)...

is definitely ok in my book.

4 weeks until MY vacation...

My younger brother left for camp this morning and will be gone three weeks. He's going to an arts camp that I've been considering applying for a counselor's job at, after all I've seen of the camp it looks really cool. While Jason is indeed my number one distraction, and I would benefit greatly work-wise to have him gone three weeks, I am still going to be bored to tears at home, and I'm gonna miss him. Gotta find some pet projects to do along with school and these interviews until I get to go to MA for my retreat...

:)

This was the best Fourth of July that I can remember...

Titanic and little Wilhelm

Not to be too bipolar about my blogposts, but today was possibly the most fantastic day I've had since last spring!

Firstly, all the small things seemed amazing today. The moon was really awesome tonight. I had my favorite clothes clean. My family was laid back. Oh, and I got out of New Jersey...

So, one of my oldest and largest secret obsessions is with the Titanic. Since I can remember I've read books at the breakfast table about it's construction, novels about passengers on the ship, and games where you are on the boat. I've learned about all the facts, theories, artifacts, famous people. In short, its a serious obsession...and the Discovery Channel has just put up a show on the Titanic right off Times Square. Thankfully, my dear old dad found out about it and embraces my numerous addictions. So my parents and my little brother came with me to the exhibit. It was pretty cool. I couldn't decide whether to cry or faint when I saw the replication of the 1st class stairwell that's so famous. I've totally dreamt about that room, what it'd be like, even before the movie of Titanic came out, despite how cliche it is. They actually built a replica of this room and let you walk through it! I was beside myself!

Anyways, here's the link to the exhibit if anyone is interested: http://www.discoverytsx.com/
They also have an exhibit on the skeleton Lucy, and I know that's a whole other story in itself, but that's another of my really big vices...

After the exhibit, I had a lovely meal with my family, I got to watch two new TV shows I'm really getting into (I know, like I need more???) and I bought a small stuffed bear at the Titanic exhibit. He's dressed as a captain, hat, tie, jacket and all. Since he reminded me of my grandfather, who was in the Navy and had immigrant German relatives, I named him Captain Wilhelm Von Kappenberg, which is my great-grandfather's German name.

disney disney disney

I stopped by the bakery today to say hi and get something to eat after the gym. It turns out my previous boss somewhat invited everyone to come down to DisneyWorld and hang with them. This is fine, kinda odd, but fine. It also turns out, they'll all be there the week I'm there with my family this summer... !!
Thankfully, with the month away from there, they will probably be a lot of fun to see, but still. I'm so glad I can escape this town by going all the way to Florida! I'm still so pumped to go though that I don't care who else down there! I've got total Disney fever!

I'm interested to see how I'll make it through my week of a Buddhist retreat the week before Disney...haha, a lot of rock-balancing, I suppose.

I found a photo...

So, I was all excited to post photos of my ever-growing cucumber plant and the new glass beads I made yesterday, but in my looking for the photos, I stumbled on one I really wanted to post more. This is a photograph of Terry, in some garage, prolly mine...


I'm not sure how much I shared this around, but Terry died in September. I adored him, and his kids, and I have to give him credit that despite my being a whiny pain in the butt, he taught me a great deal. And I miss him every day.

Sooo, on that sullen note, I'm posting this photo of him doing what he absolutely loved doing. Making wooden boats. And I guess this is my memory of him for today. And I wanted to share it with anyone because Terry was a brilliant, compassionate, astounding man, who has been in my thoughts for quite some time now. and I guess I'm finally getting around to recognizing just how important he was to me. This photo makes me want to make boats again!

too many books I think

When I was working at the bakery, a friend of mine gave me a book about the first artworks done by like 300 artists. I thought it was a sweet gesture, since we always talk about art together, and was excited about the book. Well...five months later and I'm just realizing that my friend edited and put together this book! Duhh. He had mentioned his book several times to me, but I hadn't looked it up. I finally remembered to google it the other day, and sure enough, it's the book he gave me! I feel like an idiot, and feel like I should tell him about this mix-up. I must have seemed like an ass whenever he mentioned his book and I very excited responded "oh, I have to read that sometime..." Great powers of observation, I have, huh?

Andy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lus1vSUbGc&feature=channel

This video is a performance of one of my oldest friends. He is one half of a dangerous duo I grew up with. We haven't been as close as we were before, but I still keep tabs on him. He's sort of a little brother to me, and is going to college next year. I just had to dedicate a post to him because I adore this boy, and I'm so proud of him. I've always said I'd go see each show of his if he made it to Broadway, and now he seems to be pushing that challenge...

Pizza and Ice Cream

What would I do without my best friend? All night movie marathon tonight and tomorrow...I'll be asleep before she knows it...

Beans

Last year I tried an experiment with my big brother and grew my veggies for the summer in plastic bins. It was his idea, and he had tried it one season when he lived down by his college and didn't have space for a real garden. We put a hole in the bottom, filled them with soil and planted the seeds. Because animals are such an issue with the plants around here, we taped chicken wire around the buckets, about five feet high. Maybe not the prettiest contraption, but the plants grew really well. So we tried it again this year, and sure enough, they're growing about two feet a day. I took a photo of my bean plant this morning, and this afternoon I come home, and it has grown another foot at least! I'm glad someone is benefiting from all this rain...

Morning


















Afternoon

Zumba

So far, today has been sickeningly Sound-of-Music-ish. I have taking a Zumba class at my gym, a kind of Latin dance. I really like the class, and usually go by myself. This week and last, there have been two intro, shorter, classes to introduce the main moves, and I figured it'd be helpful to go. My mother joined me on the first week. Perfectly fine. This week, my two brothers joined me and my mother. So, there we four are, filing into the gym as a group, and going to Zumba all together. Yikes! Then, afterwards, we all went shopping together. This actually meant my older brother and I shopping for necessities and my mother and younger brother picking out all the junk food they can think of. Ha, it's been quite a family-filled day, and surprisingly enough, not a dreadful one. I'm still kinda hoping though that I get my gym class back to myself...

Daniel Boys

I'm super excited. The other day I got Daniel Boys' first album, it's a cover album. It's probably the most expensive CD I've ever bought, because I pre-ordered it, and had it shipped from GB. It even came with a US customs sticker on the wrapping. I had sorta forgotten I'd ordered it, so it was a good surprise. I found about this guy from Andrew Lloyd Webber's show on BBC to find a new Joseph for his West End production of Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, and although he didn't win, I love his voice! And this album did not disappoint. I've been listening to every song nearly nonstop since about Thursday.

Anyways, this was one of those things like finding $50 in the wash. It was a nice unexpected present to myself.

Fluid Dynamics

Well, I was exited to get out of the house today, and I got to go to a great art reception! Saw a bunch of people from my high school that I adore, and haven't seen since I got out for the semester. Some of you might not know, as well, that I've bought two pieces of work from this amazing artist before, and today made me wish I had more! I guess maybe a steady job should come first...maybe. I also was very excited to have made loose plans to go check out some art in the city in the coming weeks! It was just really relaxing being around people besides my family, and I always enjoy the crowd that was there today. Congrats to the artist, if she's reading! Loved the show! This, more than anything in the past few months, has made me want to create something. I really gotta start just getting into something, like I did this past semester in my sculpure class, even if I have no idea what I'm starting...

Here's the link to the show, if anyone wants to go see it:
http://www.springfieldpubliclibrary.com/joomla/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=183&Itemid=1

It comes highly recommended!

It's Not a Joke that's Funny Anymore

Just to say, I am SICK and TIRED of having to defend the validity of art, including my own, to my family. Sometimes, people can be really stupid and ignorant. I'm just livid, if it wasn't obvious already. I start a new job tomorrow at the county golf course in my town, and thank goodness I'll have somewhere to go! Getting up at 4:30 AM tomorrow isn't my idea of perfection, but at least it's a job. Still trying to get out of this town, though...desperately! Can't wait for school to actually start again, didn't think I would. Well, I start my summer course in two weeks... :)

Don't Grow Up

I keep telling myself I should relax and actually enjoy being my age. But, really? I'm not so much. This whole having nothing thing is weird to me. I have no significant other. No place of my own. No dependents. Nothing that's really mine, or of my concern. I actually find myself looking for more responsibilities! Who the heck would want to do that? So, I tell myself Dont Grow Up. But it only sometimes works. I'm feeling ready to actually BE something, other than 19. But in the mean time, I'll play Foosball with my best friend until two in the morning, and try to figure out how to get myself somewhere that will let me become something...

Twitter fiasco

I joined Twitter about a month ago, despite much shame and embarrassment, because I decided I needed to have a social networking account (besides my blogs) that my parents and family members to now know about. (I'm not terribly close with the majority of my family...) So, I figured since my family is severely anti-Twitter, except my older brother who neither checks his online accounts nor cares what I put up, I would be safe from them there. Wrong. My mother happened to read the Time article on Twitter when we were at my grandparents house, because she hadn't brought anything else to read. I guess that's what did it. All I know is, I get an email saying my mother is following me on the damn site! So, like with all my other profiles and accounts, I have now censored what I say. I don't car how close I can be with my mom, I don't want her knowing all my thoughts.

Now, if these people start blogging, I might just resort to sending snail mail to all my friends with my thoughts! This is getting ridiculous!

I forgot to mention...

I forgot to mention the craziest thing we do out here in the Hamptons, and it's probably the most fun I've had or will have with family. Pinochle. I love this card game, and have finally learned all the rules and am getting better about the point values, but my grandparents go nuts over it! The card game is how they met, on a double-date, blind date, playing pinochle. They really wont let me leave this place without playing, so of course, after dinner we played two games of it. The partners switch, except my grandmother and grandfather never play together. They'd end up eating each other alive or having heart attacks...

I really want to find a club or some group to join somewhere in NJ, cuz I love playing but only my mother and younger brother know how to play besides me and you need 4 people. I know this game seems old fashioned, but if you like puzzles or card games, it's a fabulous logic and strategy game, and it's got its thrill ride when it comes down to making your bid.

Anyways, that was my last little fun before leaving tomorrow morning. I'm editing a grant mother's writing for a little money this week, and her best friend (sort of a pseudo-aunt to me) is hiring me to transcribe and go on interviews for her dissertation, so I'll at least have something scheduled and more focused to work on. This no schedule has been driving me nuts! It was good for a few days, but I need a goal to work towards...

a sliver of relief...

I'm at my grandparents' place in the Hamptons this weekend. This may sound very hoity-toity and rich, and while I absolutely adore it out here, my family lives in the local area, not exactly on the rich Benny strips of town. I got to go to the beach for the first time this season, and my grandparents have a cabana at this beach club that looks out onto the ocean. So we set up, hung up all the beachwood and wind chimes, pulled out the chairs and boogie boards.

And, true to all of my beginnings of summer, took a long walk on the sand, walking all the way to the end of the jetties, and then back again. I of course ollected my shells, and my mom and I had a bit of a photo shoot for fun. I love the beach. I am forever trying to come out here more often.

When I was little, I spent every summer here pretty much, and this was like my second home. Same house, same terribly ugly shag carpeting from the 70's. (Although, the rooms upstairs and the kitchen are freshly painted and redecorated. My grandfather is a semi-retired carpenter and builder, and has made it his mission to finally redo his builder-special house after like 35 years. Looks pretty chic so far, if you ask me!) So, I'm back in my old bedroom, with my grandfather's 40's music, the Lobster Inn for dinner, and a movie night. Someday, I've always told myself, I'd like to live out here for a while. All of my grandmother's family is out here in the neighboring town, and I love this house. My good Polock roots, and my outrageous, affectionate and judgemental Polack great- aunts and uncles and my grandparents. My other set of grandparents only live like a half-hour away, too. I miss it up here during the year. I tend to feel so much more comfortable and at ease around here. Well, someday, maybe...

Here's a picture of me, for fun, at the beach today that my mother took, and one of my mom that I took, respectively:

She was working on hamming it up for the camera...I thought this was a great attempt! haha...

Strings, Bows, and Rosin

Continuing my efforts to keep myself busy and do something useful these next few months, I went to my father's house to collect some more of my things (as I have been moving out gradually for about two years now.) Lo and behold, I found an item that was very very special to me for quite a few years, my cello. Unfortunately it's neither the right size for me anymore nor in good condition, but now I've become fixated on getting better and practicing so I can play again. Ok, I wont be playing like I used to, and I wont have a personal tutor to visit all the time, but I'd really love to be competant. Another hurdle will be string replacement, since my strings are well over 4 years old, and my A string snapped while I was tuning the thing...

Well, gotta get to Sam Ash at some point, but I was incredibly excited to see my old friend this morning!

Apple Pie

Despite declaring vehemently that I would never attempt another apple pie after the disaster that was the last one, I made one more. Haven't tried it yet, but looks ok. We'll have to see...

here are some photos of this one:

Time Off

Ok, I'm officially a nutcase. I"ve now decided to watch ER straight through. All 15 seasons. I go through TV shows with my family as much as we go through books, so I've seen a lot. After watching all of MASH, I Love Lucy, Scrubs, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, House (up until the ongoing season), Weeds, The L Word, Coupling, The Vicar of Dibley, Friends, Frasier, Six Feet Under, and being in the middle of Dick Van Dyke, I decided I needed something that will last a while.
I've also already read 4 books in this past 4 days. I love this. Having no job and no class seems to be treating me well, despite how freaked out I am that I have nothing to do...


Edit: and Dharma and Greg, Gilmore Girls, and 30 Rock

Ethan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKB4sOdy-PI&NR=1


This kid rocks.

Prop 8

I heard the Prop 8 ruling this morning, and I just don't even have a response. I am both shocked and severely disgusted, and I feel like I just don't quite understand. I am usually quite able to see why people have the feelings and reactions they do, and while I disagree with it, can understand where it comes from. This I do NOT understand. In the slightest I cannot comprehend how lawmakers, indeed NOT ordinary civilians, but lawmakers who supposedly principally and neutrally stand for what this country stands for.
Well, after Obama was elected I really felt like I could almost be proud to be an American, like we were finally coming out of years and years of hate. Once I read the Prop 8 decision, I lost that pride. This decision made me disgusted to be part of a country that thinks it acceptable, nay even necessary, to divide and alienate yet ANOTHER group within its own population. What I don't understand is the fear. What is so freaking scary?? Should two skinny people not be allowed to marry because they are too alike? How about people who went to the same school? This is how absolutely absurd I find this objection to equality and hapiness.
And while I condemn California for their disturbing coherrence to ignorance and fear, I have no lesser feeling for New Jersey. New Jersey has done nothing to move past civil partnerships, which are not equal to marriage, and its infuriating to have my own state say their solution is good enough. Its not.

Fabulous Weekend

My grandparents cam this weekend to see my younger brother in a play he was in, called The Audition. It was a cute play, and well done and organized (especially compared to most of the plays he's in) and my other brother, parents, and grandparents came. My grandfather, who always dotes quite heavily on me, came in tow with a ton of flowers for our garden from my uncle's greenhouses out in LI. He also came with his classicly brown-paper-wrapped personalized gifts. He now calls me his "young artist", and so gets me gifts that art related all the time. It's adorable. He also knows I love jewelry, so they brought me an earring/necklace set from Bermuda. And on his way out he slipped me a card that he said I should use to get my younger brother wherehe needs to go and go wherever I want, and it was a $100 gas card! He is always slipping me these gifts without telling anyone he's even bought them, and I just love it. My grandmother, as we were talking over dinner, offered me her old furs and hats. My grandfather was in the fur business, and used to get her incredible pieces. Now she doesnt wear them, and enjoys passing on her collection of expensive stuff...
Later on we played the Apples to Apples game with the family, including my older brother's girlfriend who I adore. The game was great! It was pretty well matched. Overall, it was a pretty fantastic day for all of us!

Geez!

So there was this kid in my town's high school, one of my younger brother's friend's brothers, who killed himself the other day. The school sent home a notification about it because he was a senior this year. It was really terrible news, of course, but for some reason this struck even deeper for me. I've personally known several kids who committed suicide, and that was hard but kind of incomprehensible. This kid's death struck me I think becuase I couldn't imagine your sibling doing such a thing. I just wouldn't even know how to cope. This kid, Kenny, apparently stepped in front of a train just outside of town. How terrible is that?! Geez. It's just been in my head for days, rather unstabilizing.

Graduation

I'm off to my mom's graduation tonight. I think it's adorable. She made sure to give me the camera before she left, and I have to bring her cap and tassel that she forgot. I'm the only one going though...tssk, tssk my dear brothers...I didn't get my mom anything though. I thought she should at least get a card or something...

Ok, off I go! Hope it's not too long. These things can be serious snoozers.

Art, and more Art

Just the other day, my friend at work invited me to the Big Bambu installation reception up in Beacon, NY, for Mike Starn. This friend apparently knows Starn, and thought it would be fun, me being a budding artist socialite looking for shows to see, and him a friend of a bunch of artists and more in the know. I really love that he invited me, since this I think is only the third or fourth time I've been invited to one...and I'm rather upset I couldn't make it. Not to say I wasn't having fun doing something else, I saw a great play instead. However, I love gallery receptions when I'm a guest and not in the show, so I was sorry to have to turn down my friend. I get to despise the small shows I have to do at my school after a while, and these are only told about to students, though they're public shows. So, while I have this reprieve from my own work and crit, I am definitely planning to enjoy the rest of the art world. I was, thankfully, excited by all I've seemed to have learned this year, although I didn't realize it until I went to the Philidelphia Musuem of Art today. May have temporarily boosted my drive for the subject...

Summer Fun

I did it. I gave my two weeks. Still a bit ambivalent but I know it was the right decision.

Now, thankfully, I am going to the Cezanne show at the Phili art museum, since I have done nothing artistic whatsoever in almost three weeks...without a set job, I want to have so much fun this summer, seeing art, making art, writing, seeing my friends more than usual! I really want to do stuff I don't usually do this summer, I don't know what...

Wish me luck!

I am officially going to give my two weeks today, and quit my job. I don't have a set job lined up, but I've applied a few places. I just hope I can keep my nerve, so wish me luck!

New Job, Hopefully

Out of severe frustration at my current job, I went searching for few hours online for possible options. Well, I found one! I found an ad for a sculptor's studio assistant! Job sounds pretty ideal. I have gotten a response from the artist saying he will get in touch, so I hope I get this position...I really hope. I need to get out of my job!!! So, crossing my fingers...

To my SeGis 1,3, Chuffi, and Tiger Nuts

Well, I realized today that my SeGi's are my oldest friends at this point. For those who did not travel with us this summer, that stands for Seance Girls, because we've been having a lame teenage version of seances twice a year or so since we were about 10. And of course, since it's almost that time of year again for me to need to see my awesome friends so bad I can hardly stand it, I now can hardly stand it! I miss my friends, and I love that we are all over the place, ranging from California to England, and can still be as great as we are. I talked to Julia the other day, and she mentioned feeling nostalgic lately. I didn't really say it, but I actually feel quite the same. I loved going to the high school I did, but I really don't like that I didn't even get to see my friends graduate. I didn't get to go to prom with them. I feel like at this point they know me better than almost anybody, and I should have had those crazy experiances with them. Whatever. Se la vie. (To use a little French for you guys, haha)

So, SeGis, if you read this anytime soon, I need another seance! I need to hear about your lives, and have you guys call me out when I lie about my state of sanity. I need to talk to a bunch of people who get where I'm coming from, and I need the kind of get together we used to have, ;) . Yikes, I've been remembering the first seance's soundtrack and how terribly awkward we were. Remember Pink Fire???? AHAHAHAH. what a band. what a band. And there's always the last day of school before I left, when Julia and I ran around writing poetry on each blackboard, thinking we were so deep...ayayay. What say we coerce Laur to have this at her place, DDR, corn fields, and all?


And I concede and want to learn French, and perhaps travel entendedly to Paris...I know, swore I never would...

Suzie Homemaker

So how's that for cleaning?! Six hours on my car, with severe upholstery cleaning, and it's gorgeous. I also made apple pie and cleaned the kitchen! :) I love days off...

eclection

So many things have amused me today. For one, my brother is in bar-tending school, and finished next week. I'm really glad that he finally seems to like something he's learning, and I'm totally jealous. While other kids wanted to go to the moon, one of my more secret aspirations was to be a bartender for a little while. I'm learning cool stuff from my brother's book of drinks, though...

Secondly, I found out about a T-shirt design challenge for Grounds for Sculpture, which has become in the last few years my own personal playground and backyard! Two entries are allowed per person, so I've already created one design, but I want to make a second. It looks pretty good if I do say so myself...

Thirdly, I discovered some old baby pictures of me that my mom had put together for a slide show for my graduation party last spring. They were rather amusing, and I find myself a ridiculous kid, but this one was I think my favorite. The goats, and the face, and the matching pink outfit and pigtails? Oh, it's too much...

films

Ahhhh, I saw another movie tonight, three times this week :), and every time I see a film, no matter what I think of it, I get this crazy need to go make it myself! I see everything shot by shot, I write a new script in my head, and I don't even know what I would do in film production, but I always feel like I'd be really fabulous and love doing something. I just remember when I was at Gov School a few summers ago, and how I totally fell in love with like every aspect of making films. I just don't really feel like I have a strong connection to it, or familiarity with the business of making films. I don't really know what it's like...

that's my thought for the night. Maybe one of these days I'll save enough to get a legit video camera. Maybe this is something to add to my summer list of crap to try and experiment with...

Founder's Day Forecast

It's supposed to be Founders Day today in my town, and the bakery I work in is having a table there. Unfortunately, it seems to be raining outside...I wanted to work this weekend because Founders Day was fun last year, and my first real parade ( I'm generally sheltered from small-town USA traditions), and I thought this would be a great jump in helping out, and possibly getting a promotion that I think is in the making already. But if there's rain, it means there will be like 8 of us, with nothing to do, behind a small counter in the store. Shoot me now! I really hope Founders Day isn't rescheduled, because we can't participate on the rain date, and we'll have about 300 extra cupcakes, 80 extra brownies, 50 blondies, lots of cookies, fresh lemonade, and bags and boxes. Yikes! Just need the rain to hold off until about 4...

Mixed Reviews

Well, my classes end Monday, and I only have two finals after that. I had a critique in my "Drawing Fundamentals II" class, and I wasn't surprised by my luke-warm review. Most of my classes haven't exactly captured my interest for quite a few weeks, but I've stuck it out til now. While I obviously wasn't thrilled by the final critique in my conceptual drawing class, I'm still a little stuck on my sculpture professor's comment the other day.

We've had really no assignment at all for about a month and a half, so we've had pretty much total leeway to do our own thing. I started in a sort of Rachel Whiteread feel, casting corners of boxes out of plaster, and then connecting the different corners to each other. Somehow, I changed the object of my casting to hemispheres and pie wedges. I then spray-painted and hand painted them in primary colors, and then several pieces in blue and silver. So far, my professor has shown interest in my work, but pretty much left the topic alone. Then, the other day, he came up to me individually, and began raving about my work. He told me I could "steal everyone's attention and really be the darling of the sculpture studio". I don't think I really even knew how to react. So far in school, I haven't heard a lot of great reviews of my work, and I have to admit, other than a few of these sculptures, I really was becoming frustratingly uninspired by my own work.

So, I guess I will just take the review as one more opinion, and move on, but it was a nice relief from my other classes. Sorta makes me want to just live in the sculpture studio...this comment was great, becuase for the first time in quite a long while, I felt like I had potential to do some really cool stuff, and that I was on that track and not just feeding my professors what they wanted with none of my own interest. I actually felt more like an artist than a freshman...

Things I Learned From Living in the Styx:

1. Tulips come in EVERY shade.

2. Roads can go miles and miles with no posted speed limit.

3. Corn grows shorter in the shade.

4. There are sink holes that defy the weather. They are dry in a rain storm. They grow weeds in the winter.

5. If snow comes before the snow-fencing goes up, there are the most incredible snow drifts and gales.

6. You can see five different colors of lightning in almost any given thunder storm, and nothing's scarier than driving in these storms.

7. After sundown, you can find any small water body by listening to the frogs' chirping.

8. Lambs and baby Billy goats can be the best of friends.

9. It's easier to find the Orion constellation than either of the Ursa Major/Minor (Dipper) constellations, as Orion stays more or less above the tree line all night.

10. Fresh corn must be eaten within about 5 hours of being picked, or else the gluten stiffens and taste changes completely.

11. Sometimes little black birds fly in swarms so huge, crossing the road, that you have to stop the car because you can't see through the birds. Then, you have to catch your breathe because, even after seeing it before, this sight is stunning.

12. You can smell a charcoal fire, clear as if it were from your grill, from neighbors towns away.

13. Dust can hide the color of anything, and looks like smoke when a tractor plows a large field.


I love where I live...

I love College

I now love college, and it has really nothing to do with college, and more with the fact that I really have grown up a lot in a year. I often, especially in transition times, get quite paralyzing depression, and this year I fussed about it, and moped, and decided to join a gym. Fabulous idea! Every time I go I feel good, I make friends, I feel like I'm spoiling myself just by working out! My depression is nowhere to be found, which is probably also somewhat Spring being here. I just love it. I also have let myself just be ok with how everything is right now, and I've given up trying to figure out whether I want to stay at my school, or where I want to live, or what I want to study. I just give up, and I'll figure it out, I guess. I feel like an entirely different person. And with all these new decisions, I have been eating healthier, and been less grouchy and tired.

I love college. And I may have a shared studio with my best friend at school next semester! How much would that rock?!

Like Terry?

I've started to remind myself of Terry, a really amazing man who used to be in my life, because of my social life. He would always have friends, a ton of them, but they would always be dispersed over the world. He'd have a couple friends in Sao Paolo, in Turkey, in Dublin, in Spain. It was always ridiculous, and it was always great to go visit, cuz we'd have somewhere to stay. On the other hand, other than his kids and my small family, he didn't really have friends near home. I think there should probably be some balance, and I totally worry that I'll be the same way as T. I have so many friends elsewhere, who I do in fact keep in touch with, but I have to worry that some of those ties take time from my friends actually still in NJ. Who knows, I think I just need to give myself a break, as I'm only a freshman...besides, I guess I could always go traveling...and being like Terry would not be worst thing...

Spring and the Phoebe

Now that I had my first taste of real spring, I've got my flee instinct I get every year. I always need to get the hell out of wherever I am, and go somewhere else. In the summer, I'm constantly moving, and typically, and I admit preferably, on my own, whether it be in NJ or abroad, or even at my grandparent's, at the beach. I love love love the Spring, and I definitely enjoy it, but it's like now I'm done with sitting around and inside, and I want to escape the doldrums by going somewhere else.
Now is when I love to go to Spain, or Germany, or even just Long Island, and sit outside until like 8:30 and just listen, or ride my bike. I love that calm feeling of being in a completely removed culture from the usual, and having no one know you're there, or having anyone be able to contact you. Surprisingly, I hate camping. I love having resources, and being able to feel secluded and living somewhere away from the people I know, even in the middle of a big city. I love even more when I don't have to speak English, and I can completely escape and be seen not as an American teenager. Love It Love It Love It. I need to find something to do this summer, even if it just gets me out of my town and my house...anything! I get really antsy seeing airplanes, and butterflies, and anything that can leave here. Maybe I'll try to go to Boston or DC at least.

And I googled a new bird today. The Phoebe. And wrote a poem with it's mention. It's my new favorite Spring creature! Have I mentioned I love birds?? Well, if I haven't, I do. And this one's adorable...

Family Morning

Pajama Pants.
Warm Sweater.
Spring Rain.
German Oven Pancake.
Melted Butter.
New Music.
Cute Date for the Queer Ball.

Nothin' better. Spring can really rock sometimes!

Sums up my semester so far...

I seem to dig myself deeper and deeper. 4 weeks. 4weeks. 4 weeks. plus finals, but shhhhhh, I'm ignoring that...

Wow!

I realized just now how negative I've been for the past week or so...not good. I think this stress is severely getting to me. Ok, breathe in, and breathe out. I'm going to go write my 6 page paper for tomorrow morning.

Oh yeah, and think positive thoughts. Gotta remember that.

Parallel Universes

My older brother is of the belief that women whine and complain about men just because they like to complain. I was having a discussion with my mother about people's titles, and we came to the decision that calling any female adult stranger Mrs. is somewhat insulting. As the name after Mrs. if traditionally and quite often the husband's name, not the woman's name, assuming any adult female to be a Mrs. is to assume that they are somehow tied to a man. Whether in love or not, marriage bonds a woman to a man, making her no longer really independent, as usually it means her finances, house, and general life is shared. Having someone to share your life with is great, of course, but then why is there not a word for a man who has been tied to a woman? Because in our conceptions, he hasn't really been tied. We use phrases like "she's a catch" or "hold on tight to that one" which seem a little passive in terms of the woman's part in the relationship, don't ya think? Marriage itself is also still somewhat religious, and not everyone practices it. So, my mom and I both agreed that we'd be offended to be called Mrs. as a generic term (my mom's divorced and single).

So, my older brother, hearing this entire discussion, calmly chuckles and says "you girls are just being silly. It so doesn't matter whether it's Mrs. or Ms. or Miss, you're just reading too far into what people say." ...............seriously? like, seriously? silly? So our opinions about this subject, which affects us, not him, is silly? Isn't that itself rather demeaning? How about diminutive? I was shocked, and really quite sad, when he said that. I wish he could live in our world and let himself see reality from someone else's perspective. Just once would do it, I think. Just once.

Cars and Trains and Planes are no match for My Un-Mindfulness

I am at home right now, wishing my sewing machine was working so I can finish my homework for tomorrow. I got some done before it mysteriously stopped sewing despite both threads being threaded how I think is right. I was able to get this work done, though, because I could not make it to class this morning.
Last night I went shopping with my mother and younger brother, and, for no reason at all and very unlike me, took my car keys with me. Well, when we got back home there was a quite violent lightning storm with ridiculous rain going on, so we all rushed like hell to get the food into the house. In the confusion, I left my keys in my mother's car, and as she left 7:00 this morning and won't be home until 8:00 tonight, I was left with no means to get to class. Thankfully my older brother can get me to my later class, and my father can me from there to my babysitting job an hour away from school...I may still be out of luck on a ride home, though...ahhhhhhhhh.

All this has not exactly motivated me to get my work done. I really wish I could just blow off the rest of my day, say fuck it, and go read my book and go back to bed. Ah, thank goodness for fantastic day dreams...

Some updates in a Busy Bee's week...

update: this friday I visited the used bookstore again, and actually found someone working there. welllll, they weren't prepared for anyone to ask about working there, so they didnt have an application, but the girl I talked to was in fact looking for a replacement, and took my info. so, I think that was good...
I'm also looking at tutoring for SAT prep companies. I realized I could be making twice what I am, and doing something without such harsh restrictions, like how I stand, and whether my nails are painted or not. I have to start making enough to get my own place, if I can. Seriousy ready for that!

Unfortunately, my Camelot obsession has not as yet weaned. Not remotely.

Spring's Color

I love the rain today. Even though I am unfortunately without a car today, while it's getting new brakes and transmission fluid, and I therefore have to take the notorious Rutgers buses, I am much enjoying this rain. It's still a bit colder than I'd like, but at least it's not snowing, right?! I thought this would be my personal hell week, but it actually has been pretty smooth sailing. I haven't had any negative drama in a single class. That's, like, unheard of. Now as long as I can get that paper done for tomorrow...

This weather makes me want my car back though. I really want to go for a country drive in the rain! It's gorgeous to see all the fields and even the red taillights of the other cars in the rain. It's kinda like a color kaleidoscope...specially where I live. But, I have class in 30 minutes, so I guess I settle for my puppet show group project. Hope someone else is enjoying the rain out there...

Bookworm

Yesterday I found a great little used and antique book shop in Cranbury. Loving the smell of old books, and small rooms, I naturally fell in love with the place, and I got to thinking that perhaps I will see if I could work there this summer. This place is tiny, and I'm not sure could afford a worker, but I would love it if they could!
Right now I'm working in a small bakery. Initially, I really liked this job! I had some issues with the job, but I now those have simply escalated. Also, my boss, the owner of the place, seems way too stressed out, like we might close soon anyway, and is more than beginning to impede on how any of us can do our job...soo, I am in the market for a new job in any case. I'm not even sure where I will be living this summer, so this job finding is rather tricky. But I will definitely keep in mind this bookstore when I wait for younger brother in Cranbury, when he has voice lessons! They really have a great little collection!

Michael

It's always flabbergasting, and sometimes creepy, to run into someone or something that you once knew, and somehow got pushed off the radar screen. Well, a year or so ago, I discovered a little lost treasure of my own. His name is Michael. We went to middle school together, and then went to the high school in the town I now live in, where my younger brother also goes. He's only a year my junior, so he will graduate in June. It was weird to run into him after such a long time, and while we not close in the slightest in middle school, we just knew each other because there were only 200 people in the whole middle school, it meant a lot seeing him again. For a girl who is so interested in boys, it seems as though I'm quite interested in certain boys. Michael is one of them. This year and last I got to see him act in two dramas and two musicals, and he can't help but steal my attention.

Year after year, by quite a number of people, I have been told that I have something they describe as childlike. Not childish, they always preface. But childlike, in that I seem to emit an excitement and sheer joy and passion that children have, that just shines on my face. I always like this comment, I must admit. This, I think is what I see in Michael. It's strange, I've never seen it before quite like this. It's familiar to look at him, and his smile reminds me of mine, and not at all in how they look physically. I just can see the passion, and the intense emotion that most people refuse to show. I think it shocked me a bit, especially after learning that I had known him for close to 9 years, and never noticed him before. Well, tonight was probably the last time I will see Michael, and I wished him luck and congratulations, but I was a bit sad to see someone so familiar and similar to me in telling ways leave again. It was fantastic to see him, and though I can't believe I'm admitting this, I think I've got more than a little crush on him.

And, of course, he's about the only person in the world without a facebook! Just my luck...

"If Ever I Would Leave You" caught in my brain...

After a crazy week, I had agreed to go to dinner with one set of grandparents and parents, and then go see my younger brother perform in his school's musical, Camelot. Well. I was exhausted after work and class on Friday, so I barely pulled myself through dinner. I wanted to cry and go sleep more than go watch a high school production of Camelot (which, I had already seen last weekend. This is the second weekend of its running.) but I went. And I LOVED it. I had enjoyed it last weekend, but this weekend I simply fell in love with the story and songs. The heartbreaking story of dilemma in its purest, and the really romantic songs. I was like in tears by the end on the performance. I think I need the CD of music now, haha. Anyways, I was more than pleasantly surprised by a play that I've been hearing the music to for a year now, with my younger brother practicing, and was not very fond of until now. I'm not sure what clicked, but I can't actually wait to see it again tonight. Wish it were still on Broadway with Julie Andrews. That must have been a sight...

animation

Since I got the most fantastic gift today, a snowday, I have been watching Kung Fu Panda with my family. I am amazed every time I watch this movie by the quality of the animation. It's incredible. I think I am yet again interested in animation and film. Ok, I know I'm totally syked to try these media...I think for this morning, I will be on my Maya tutorials. hehe, gotta love free trials! And enjoying the snow, of course...

Must admit: I've got no idea...

I have been restless and conflicted for just a few months now with a question that may not seem entirely appropriate for some one my age, busy with a job and school full time. To preface, I have not questioned this for me now, but what I will do in a few years or so. I have been questioning whether I want children. This may be pretty a normal thought, and decision that is fine either way, and just a preference, but I’ve always assumed I wanted kids. Sort of defined myself in a large way by this. This was never a passive declaration, either. My mother would always remind me of how hard it can be to raise kids, no matter what your circumstances, and I always acknowledged that and thought it’d still totally be worth it. I was always entranced by parents’ complete devotion and unbelievable love they have for their children. Even after really disgusting actions, or frustrating days, they could kiss their child goodnight at 3 am after a long day and smile.
When I started talking to my mother nonstop about how I wanted kids, she got me babysitting, I think in hopes that I would be convinced I could raise a kid for another 30 years…well, that didn’t much work. I love babysitting, and I’m great with just about any age kid, and for a while my baby-fever got even stronger. Then, suddenly, I felt no urge whatsoever to have a kid, or coo over cute kids. I have no idea what brought this indifference on, or whether this will be a lasting feeling. I babysat for a quite adorable almost 2 year old the other day, for whom I’ve been babysitting since she was only a few months old, and I still adored her, and thought I’d be a great mom, but I didn’t really feel the need to take her home with me.
Suddenly, the idea of living the rest of my life for me has way more clout than I gave it before. The idea of all the money I make going to me, not school and diapers, is almost a strange thought to me. I see the house I live in with my brothers, and while it is priceless how we know each other and get along in such an odd rhythm, I consider the idea of what it would be like to have a house where the cabinets aren’t proofed, and socks aren’t found under the dining room table…

Who knows. I know I don’t have to decide this now, but it does tend to be a pretty defining trait sometimes, and I’d just like to figure out where I stand on the issue. I did always want a little girl, but living as an adult who can focus on what I want and not have to sit with the stollermoms has its appeal too…

a little more organization...

Here's my finished piece for what is actually a conceptual drawing fundamentals class. I put a little spin on rubbings for this one, thanks to a great idea from a friend...



I'm also excited that I've just picked up two artworks I bought from the same friend who recommended me the wire mesh for my rubbing assignment. I've already hung them up, and took pictures, but the photos are to come, as my phone (unfortunately my closest thing to a working camera right now) is having a few issues...

stress stress stress!

So, today sucked. Really no other way to put it. Some of it just happened, but I think I'm more upset with myself. I skipped my second class today because I couldn't handle the idea of beginning a new project, and having to create anything...I mean, that's lame. It's just a lame excuse. Everyone seems to be telling me I'm working too hard and I need to chill, but I am in a slippery situation in about 4 out of 5 of my classes. My stress is just making me sick to my stomach, which I know doesn't help anything. Still, I feel some pressure to do well, and I can't quite identify what is pushing me so hard...I'm trying to listen and give myself a break, but even my crazy EFT training isn't keeping up with me now. And after attempting, but failing to donate blood today for deficient iron, I realize that maybe this stress is influencing my diet. Not so good.

I can't wait for Spring Break...