Thanksgiving thoughts

I have graduated college and since then been considering what my next adventure will be. A strange thing occurred to me recently. I have no permanent job, no romantic relationship, no dependents. I am, in the grand scheme of things, irrelevant.

Now, while this may seem like something awful, I do think it has lent me some perspective. I have been batting around ideas for graduate school for about two years now, and every time I settle on one, I can't go through with it. Well, with this revelation of mine came another epiphany. That I want to be relevant. I want to matter to world. I want to be a part of it's becoming the future, becoming better. With that in mind, so many of my ideas just seem even more irrelevant than my life now.

But there is one idea that has stuck with me. Before I went to Ireland last year, I came to the decision that what I really wanted more than anything is to be a storyteller. I don't know how or of what, but I want to make the world better and bigger through stories. This is something I'd lost sight of the last few months, but this is how I want to make my life relevant, important to the world. I still have no clue about graduate school, but that cannot be my primary aim. Storyteller is not a job description and is not a degree you can earn. But I will find a way to make it my contribution to this amazing world I love so much.

And to that I say, thank you all for being a part of my world. Remember to appreciate what makes you relevant to the world! Happy (early) Thanksgiving!

P.S. If you haven't heard it, this is my new favorite and totally cheesy Thanksgiving jam:

XL stories: part 1

I just got back from a lovely vacation with the family to California and so I figured it was summer job story time again. Since I'm not really sure what I can and can't discuss, I wont use anyone's real name except mine. As a disclaimer, I'm posting these stories only because they are my favorite stories and the ones that made my summer so amazing.

Ok, today I want to share with you one of my best stories and one of my worst from our program.

One of my favorite worst stories: The first week of the program was staff orientation, which involved lots of staff bonding, teaching prep (not me, I worked in the office), and generally organization and planning. One of my jobs was to organize the binder that had been started with all of the required forms from the staff, like health, employment history, background checks, etc. This was to prepare for the camp inspector coming to clear us. I diligently bugged the staff to get all their forms in and had just about everything in when my boss told me that he would have to be put in the book as a conscientious objector. I'll let you speculate about the reasons behind that and their integrity. Anyways, we were scared we might have to explain why he chose to be a "c.o." and we went to a bit of trouble to organize where he would be when the inspector came and who would handle the inspection. So the assistant director and I sat in the office, sweating profusely, through the inspection and waved our director away when he came in view of the office. Well, as it turned out, the inspector noted it like it was no big deal and we passed absolutely fine. But for being like 5 days into this new job, my nerves were certainly high. I remember thinking to myself that now I knew the craziness they talk about happening every year. I didn't. Not even close.

One of my favorite best stories: Possibly my favorite memory of the whole program was also during staff orientation. We met everyday and began by giving the quality of our day so far on a scale from one to ten. On about the third or so day of orientation, we were all sitting in a circle like we usually do, and this time along with the quality of our day, we had to share something we were excited for in the program. About two-thirds of the way around the circle we get to T, who hesitates before saying "I know we've just met and don't really know each other, but I'm excited for a time when we're all really great friends." This made me cry then, and now thinking back of how true her words were, the feeling's even stronger. She was right and few of us realized it. I thought this would be another job, but I was wrong. It turned out to be a family, my new family, and one I'm so thankful and proud to be a part of. When I really miss them, this is the story that always makes me feel better.


Hopefully I'll have more for you soon! Let me know if you enjoy reading these or if they're just really boring...thanks!

7 Weeks in Amherst

I just finished my summer job today as a program assistant for Putney Student Travel at their Amherst Excel program. I spent seven weeks working with teachers and professionals who taught classes to and also led activities and lived with high school students. Beyond the value of the job experience, this summer has offered me incredible encouragement that I have found the right path.

Part of one of my favorite poems- The Structure of Suchness by Thich Nhat Hanh- has been running through my head for the past few weeks:

I know a bullet may strike
the heart of the little bird this morning,
the bird that is celebrating life with all its might.
The corn, the grass, the fragrance of the night,
together with the stars and the moon-
all of us are doing our best.
We are doing everything we can
to keep you alive.

Amherst was an intense experience every minute of each day and involved constant interactions with the same people all the time. I was afraid this would fray my nerves after a while, but quite the opposite happened. I found such compassion. I daily try to focus myself on not just understanding the world around me, but understanding why and how it works that way. Not just for others' struggles but for my own as well. There is another Thich Nhat Hanh quote that I just love: "Please call me by my true names...so I can see that my joy and pain are one." This phrase is wonderful! I felt that all summer, I have had these incredibly challenging experiences and sometimes they are joyful and sometimes they are painful. But both are experience, and experience makes us all wiser. I've had amazing adventures but life experience can only be gained one day at a time, and I am so so thankful for the life experience I gained this summer. Even my struggles make me feel in a way more human, more connected to the struggles of the people around me.

I feel like I've come out of this program a person of more substance and compassion, and I love the people who have made this possible. I sincerely hope I get to do this again next year and use everything I've learned. If only every seven weeks were as impacting as these have been...

I hope everyone is having an equally amazing summer!

life is good

Hope everyone survived Easter, my personal least favorite holiday of the year. However, yesterday, in amongst the craziness and tension of any family holiday, something really cool happened. I was driving back to my grandparents house in the morning with my mom and little brother, and we were discussing life in general. All of a sudden, I heard myself mention the idea of a future girlfriend/partner, and my gut reaction was to check my family's reaction. You know what? They didn't have one. It's easy for me to forget that my issues are just that. Mine. Apparently, I'm the only one who's awkward about my sexuality. It's really quite a relief that my biggest challenge is just me.

Best part of growing up: realizing your struggles are a lot smaller and easier to solve than you made them out to be.

missing

*Warning: Glee spoiler ahead

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I've been more than a little overrun by all I've taken on, what with designing and creating the costumes for a high school musical, classes, graduation stuff, finding a job, and just general readjustment to home life. Until today I would have said that I've been handling things quite well, and things are pretty normal.

But this evening, I had a hankering to watch one of my favorite shows, Glee. I had been watching each week in Dublin and every episode felt significant when I was there. Anything I saw or heard or did felt significant in a really beautiful way when I was in Ireland. I felt like everything was a gift that I was given and was determined to take the most wisdom I could from anything. Here, on the other hand, it was easy to slip into my habits, my usual way of life. And for almost 3 months I felt like four months of my life just didn't exist, as if I had slept through the fall and it went on without me. Dublin just feels like a dream I had in which no one else really knows anything about it and it's a private memory. So it's also been a private grief I've felt at the loss of a brand new life.
Now I know I'm crazy and very much not like most people with my theories and beliefs, but I don't think the mind and body are separate, and I think our bodies sometimes give us what we can't let ourselves have, even if it's the side effects of getting sick. Have you ever noticed that it's too often the singers that get throat cancer? Or the athletes that hurt their ankle? I'm not saying it's on purpose, more that maybe our subconscious and our immune system knows when we need a break. For the past two months I've suffered from small things here and there. Ran into a door and had a bad bruise. Had a stool collapse on me and could barely sit for a week. Had a tooth infection act up. And most recently, I have a sinus infection. Through all of this, I continued to do everything like before, trying to ignore the pain and push through what I felt I had to get done.

But I saw a Glee episode tonight about a gay teen who tries to commit suicide. Suddenly I was back to my second week in Ireland, when I learned that a good friend had done the same. And succeeded. While in Dublin I had wonderful friends who helped me come to terms with the situation, but somehow being home, it's like dealing with it all over again. Only everyone else around me already did this.

Tonight is the first time I let myself slow down enough to realize just how hard this transition back home has been. I know it was only four months, but it was more than just a location change. It was creating a new start, beginning over again all by myself. It was a life that felt like it was mine alone and I was the only stakeholder. Coming back to graduation and family and friends and finding a job- frankly, I'm a bit overwhelmed and scared. For the first time since I've been home, I let myself feel how much I really miss my other life, and watching this tv show, all I could think about was how my friend won't get to miss anything or do anything new. She won't be older than 22 or hit new milestones. She won't watch Glee, her favorite show, and relate to the issues they sing about.

So I think what my body is telling me is that maybe I need to take it slow and be sad for a little while, for me and for her. I apologize for writing a rather dim, depressing post after this long, but I thank you for reading it. Just having an outlet for my thoughts is enough for me, and makes me so thankful for everything I have!

Happy St. Patrick's Day this weekend everyone!

goodbye Dublin

I can't believe it's the middle of December already. I am scheduled to leave Dublin and go home in 9 days, and it's trickier than I imagined preparing myself for that. I still have 2 exams to get through, which after the last 4 months and the amazingly good time I've had I really do not care about like I probably should. No one likes change, and I usually handle it pretty badly myself, and I'm trying to hold some composure this time. Unlike most college semesters, when I get home there will be no real evidence of the life I had here. It'll be more or less like it never happened- and yet, I'm already so much different than when I got here. For one thing, this semester has given me the impossible. I've had four months to do nothing but focus on what I want, void of any context of family or friends or familiarity. And I think that has released me from my paralysis that has been keeping me from finding a direction to go. That looming graduation date kinda freaked me out, but after this semester I think I understand what everyone was saying when they told me there's no right path, no set way to do things. When I'm done with the structure of school, I have the freedom to pursue whatever whim I desire, and there's no one counting my credits or handing me requirements.

While that can be scary, the idea of having to feed myself and find a place to live and somewhere to fit in, I realized that the world is literally available to me. I love the thought of living in Dublin permanently. If it weren't for the constraints with seeing and communicating with my family, I wouldn't leave in 9 days. I'd have applied for  working visa and stayed here permanently. And who knows, maybe one day that will be what happens. But it made me realize that I have more potential and opportunities right now than I will ever have in my life. I am so excited to take advantage of them! So, going home makes me a little worried that I'll return to my fears and be once again locked in by my comfort. I'm going to have to find some way to change my life and push myself. I would get my own apartment, but I have to be able to afford the change :-p Suggestions always welcome...

I sort of feel like technology. The rate at which I'm changing seems to double every 18 months. Let's hope it continues when I get back to Jersey. See you all in 9 days!

thank goodness for growing up

Boy, if I could start college now, I'd do it so much better. I would be amazing, and it would be incredible. I am quickly and nervously coming to the realization that I graduate from college in under 6 months. When did that happen? I'm so different from when I started, and I'd give so much to bring that wisdom backwards in time with me, but I guess I'll have to make up for all those wasted chances in the next 4 years, huh? At least I got here eventually. Finally feels like I have my feet on a solid rung of sanity, and I'm gonna dance my ass off up here while I have the chance.

So now the all-important question: a black robe or a red robe for graduation??