goodbye Dublin

I can't believe it's the middle of December already. I am scheduled to leave Dublin and go home in 9 days, and it's trickier than I imagined preparing myself for that. I still have 2 exams to get through, which after the last 4 months and the amazingly good time I've had I really do not care about like I probably should. No one likes change, and I usually handle it pretty badly myself, and I'm trying to hold some composure this time. Unlike most college semesters, when I get home there will be no real evidence of the life I had here. It'll be more or less like it never happened- and yet, I'm already so much different than when I got here. For one thing, this semester has given me the impossible. I've had four months to do nothing but focus on what I want, void of any context of family or friends or familiarity. And I think that has released me from my paralysis that has been keeping me from finding a direction to go. That looming graduation date kinda freaked me out, but after this semester I think I understand what everyone was saying when they told me there's no right path, no set way to do things. When I'm done with the structure of school, I have the freedom to pursue whatever whim I desire, and there's no one counting my credits or handing me requirements.

While that can be scary, the idea of having to feed myself and find a place to live and somewhere to fit in, I realized that the world is literally available to me. I love the thought of living in Dublin permanently. If it weren't for the constraints with seeing and communicating with my family, I wouldn't leave in 9 days. I'd have applied for  working visa and stayed here permanently. And who knows, maybe one day that will be what happens. But it made me realize that I have more potential and opportunities right now than I will ever have in my life. I am so excited to take advantage of them! So, going home makes me a little worried that I'll return to my fears and be once again locked in by my comfort. I'm going to have to find some way to change my life and push myself. I would get my own apartment, but I have to be able to afford the change :-p Suggestions always welcome...

I sort of feel like technology. The rate at which I'm changing seems to double every 18 months. Let's hope it continues when I get back to Jersey. See you all in 9 days!

thank goodness for growing up

Boy, if I could start college now, I'd do it so much better. I would be amazing, and it would be incredible. I am quickly and nervously coming to the realization that I graduate from college in under 6 months. When did that happen? I'm so different from when I started, and I'd give so much to bring that wisdom backwards in time with me, but I guess I'll have to make up for all those wasted chances in the next 4 years, huh? At least I got here eventually. Finally feels like I have my feet on a solid rung of sanity, and I'm gonna dance my ass off up here while I have the chance.

So now the all-important question: a black robe or a red robe for graduation??

an early thanksgiving plea

I recently lost a good friend to suicide, and I know some people reading this are also feeling that loss as well. Though I thankfully have not had to deal with the grief of losing many people in my life yet, I have learned that grief is very personal and very different for everyone. It turns out that my grieving, like much of many my thought processes, is quite private. I don't feel better by crying to someone or spilling my feelings. I feel better by working things out myself, alone, and keeping my life intact.

That said, I think I've reached a point where, although I haven't figured anything out (how can you with suicide?) I have reached a significant epiphany. I've been thinking over and over again what it must have been like and what would lead my friend to believe suicide her only option. As background, you should know that I, too, have suffered quite a bit from both depression and generalized anxiety throughout college, and I know how difficult it can feel to just do everyday things, like eat regularly or go to class or even get out of bed.

Yet, what I discovered when I was trying to rationalize this situation, is that there's really nothing in this world that would make me choose suicide. Call it recovery from depression, or ignorance of pain, or what have you, but there is nothing that could make me voluntarily give up everything I love in my life. Between my family and friends and my schoolwork and my job, and even just my interests and the prospect of potential in my future, I have so much to loose, that I really can't imagine giving that up without a fight. The truth is, I easily could have headed down a road like my friend did, and I might have if I didn't have the wonderful support of all the great people and things in my life, but because of them, I chose to fight. And I'm still here. And I am SO thankful for that.

So I guess all I wanted to say is that I miss my friend, and I think about her almost everyday, and it sucks that she didn't have something in her life to make her fight for life. But she has given me the wonderful gift of realizing how much my life is worth, and I don't forget that for a minute. So for me, I urge you all to take a minute out of your day to remember what wonderful things you have that keep you fighting to survive, to be better, to live another day. And be thankful.

and if anyone feels moved to do so, please consider donating to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) at https://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Donate&template=/customsource/Donation/GeneralForm.cfm&createcause=Y&lstid=1011

thank you everybody for keeping my life wonderful!

Warning: a left-wing political rant

I typically keep my politics more or less to myself, but I really wanted to voice my thoughts on the Wall street stuff going on. Although I feel a bit removed from it, probably because I'm not even in the country right now, I am so incredibly proud to see young people and liberals standing up. For the last few years, there have been more and more right-wing fanatical groups popping up and gaining steam. Often they didn't stand for anything that was well-defined besides being general at odds with what was offered in any other party. We've seen ridiculous candidates show up and make waves, and we've seen the Republican party lock in their heels and drag any of our country's decision towards their fearful, rather stagnant view of the world.

And I have been increasingly concerned by the lack of a present fighting for the opposite argument. It seems the left-wing has just been focused on appeasing and moderating the republicans rather than standing up for their own demands. I've also been terrified by the passivity and lack of liberal idealism I see in my generation. So, needless to say, I don't care if the Occupy Wall Street movement never gains a clear message, because I'm so glad to see people like me standing up for what their government is not willing to fight for. I'm happy to see that they are willing to do what they're doing to show dissent and to make it clear that the right-wing movement in this country cannot bully us into giving up what has made us or will continue to make us a successful country because they are afraid of change. Yes, the mocking Occupy Sesame Street illustrations are funny, but I am all in support of this protest, and I kind of wish I were back in New York to support it in person.

happy coming out day!

oh, jeez, i just came out on facebook. all 600 "friends"! and twitter, but i think everyone there knew anyways. why is it always so stomach-clenching thinking about telling another person? it doesn't matter who, and i've done this many times now, it should really get easier than this. i guess i don't need to tell my dad or conservative relatives anymore. social networking is a WASP's best friend :) thank goodness i have awesome friends who set the example for me in being open and brave. it does give a bit of a rush, though, doesn't it?

3 years ago i attempted to come out to my mom, and got really close on coming out day. a few weeks later, i finally spilled the beans, and though it wasn't how i planned it or even wanted it to go, i'd never go back to her not knowing. today i'm definitely feeling all the love and warmth i have from the people in my life! the only thing i wish i'd done differently is tell my older brother myself in person. he deserves that, but i just never found time alone with him. oh well, small matter in the scheme of things.

Happy Coming Out Day everyone! giving a virtual a big trans-continental hug right now to the first wonderful person i came out to, and all the wonderful people i told after that!

happy end of summer

This being the first and last summer that I really had nothing to do (with the exception of the few hours a week I spend at my "job" as a no-longer-almost-full-time nanny) I've had a lot of time to think and relax, which has been nothing short of absolutely glorious. I've had a tough time the last few years for no particular reason, and this has been my healing summer. I've come to a decision about what I want to be when I grow up- which I assure you I in no way chain to what I do or will do for a job or school.
And with all the time I would have taken worrying about what I'm going to do when I graduate in May, I've totally rediscovered my old hobbies. I've become nothing short of obsessed with becoming a storyteller or writer or story-collector (and whatever all those titles imply) and have been reading/watching/listening to stories as often as I get the chance. For one thing, I have rediscovered my love for the story of Camelot. And I've been writing so many story outlines, I'm surprised my head hasn't begun spinning.

I leave for Ireland in one week today, and sure enough, there is that little nagging at the bottom of my gut that I get when traveling. I know it will be amazing and exciting, and probably somewhat terrifying and ridiculous (what isn't when you travel with me?) but I'm also thinking of what I'll be missing terribly. Yes yes, I should say my family, but in truth what I will miss most is the feeling of fall. I love autumn colors, I love the wetness of the leaves, and the textures of the fall. I adore pumpkin, and Halloween is my favorite! The fall is my time for myself, when I go for a drive down random roads, when I go hiking or running along the beautiful NJ farms, and when I do most of my crafts. My family isn't really into doing the work of Christmas trees (or Christmas for that matter) so the 2 ft. tree we buy is always my own, and I love listening to old-fashioned Christmas songs while decorating. I'll also miss making cookies with my grandparents in the 150 year old German cookie iron I inherited this year. But most of all, the biggest thing I will miss is the smell of NJ in the fall. It sounds absurd, but I love the smell of the leaves, the mud, the gasoline-powered leaf blowers, the smell of wool clothing pulled out of closets, the smell of soap (no idea why, but I'm convinced it's stronger in the fall) pumpkin, my own baking, and definitely the smell of rain!

Oh well, long post. I'm very excited to find all the things I will miss terribly about Ireland, but I'm always curious that I don't really trust that what I miss will be the same next year. It always is, but boy am I loving being able to think about all my favorite things. I need to find an oven in Dublin, so I can practice my pie-making. Probably won't post much here in the fall, but my Ireland travel blog will be up and regularly used. Please visit me, and read and feel free to comment! I love followers!

graduation

My little brother is graduating high school on Saturday. I know it's usually the parents that choke up and find themselves amiss, but in truth,  I'm more of a parent to him than many biological parents. Watching him end high school has made me consider the last 3 years since I've been there. I made the decision before I even graduated high school that I didn't want to drink alcohol. Like most kids of German, Polish or English heritage, I had had alcohol at home since I could remember, and have encountered more than my fair share of alcoholics doing stupid things. But in the three years since I started high school I've had a self-revelation. I claim that it's my experience with alcoholics that has scared me off. It's not. I'm not afraid of alcohol, or resentful of it. I have just learned to love myself and my body too much to ruin it by drinking. This might sound like a criticism of people who do drink, and I assure you, I don't mean it to be. I have found a lot more self-love in college. And I am just so thankful for that and happy about it, I really wanted to share it with everyone! :)

looking back, I loved high school, but I am so glad to be done with high school, because I am SO much awesomer than I have ever been. I hope everyone else continues to grow in their lives like I do in mine! I never partied or drank in college, but I've had such an amazing adventure...

happy summer

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. I don't like that I always seem to blog more about the negative than the positive, so I'll start out by saying, mostly life is awesome and boring. And boring, in life, is excellent.


Ok, now here's the negative. For over a year now, I have not really been producing any art, and at first I got really frustrated. Then I got angry, and I tried to do anything to get myself to work. Then one week I make one sketch for an unimportant art competition, send it off to California and it gets accepted. Good news! Only now, I have to build the thing and I sit in front of it paralyzed. It would seem that I am very stuck, and it often feels like my mind has been wiped of everything I've learned or done in art. And it's an awful feeling, but now I have had a half-finished dog head made of aluminum foil and clay sitting on my table for two weeks now. At first I thought it was just the equivalent of writer's block. Now, I'm starting to think maybe everything else in my head devoured my ability to work. But how to get it back? That's what I'll be focusing on this summer.

That, and packing to study abroad in Dublin during the Fall semester. Figured I'd end on another good note ;)
Lovin' the summer weather! So glad I have a job that let's me go out every day...Happy summer, and lookout for my Dublin travel blog!

whats the difference?

id really love to know, whats the difference between defining marriage by gender and defining it by race...

very disappointing when people who have experienced prejudice choose to continue the ignorance rather than stand up against it for others.

Beauty and the Beast :)

Some might know and some might not that for the last 2 months I've been working as a set design intern at my local high school (also where my brother is a senior, and where I've helped with costuming the last 3 years). I did this because I needed a few internship credits and I didn't want to be lame and fulfill them by cleaning the studios at my school or watering graduate students' plants. I admit that initially (ok, maybe until like yesterday) I was terrified that I would actually have the responsibility of helping to get the show up and running. I was given a few assignments by the director and left largely on my own, and each of them in their own way challenged the hell out of me.

But I can't even say how much I am glad I did this show. I learned a lot, and some of it was awesome, and some of it made me want to rip my hair out. But I liked it so much that I think I've found the path I want to explore after college. I'm looking into graduate schools for either set design, costuming, or both, and I really want to help with this school's musical next year- the production will be Peter Pan!!! I feel like I'd been searching for what I want to do since I started college, and it is the biggest relief to just know in what direction I want to go when I graduate. All of a sudden, I feel like I'm done with school and ready to try being a grown-up....well, maybe.
Anyway, I will definitely try to get my job again for next year, whether for credit or not. Hopefully my director will have me back! Otherwise, I'll go back to volunteering with costumes...

And how perfect that my favorite Disney story and my favorite Alan Menken song of all time (If I can't love her) were my introduction back into theater. I think in 20 years it will be very cool to say the first show I really worked on was Beauty and the Beast! :)

what a wuss

i found out a month ago that i had to go to a different campus at school to do science labs for my physics course. its a campus i havent had class on, so i have been whining about going. this morning, while i was moaning about it again because they are due thursday, my mother not so gen tly reminded me that i have traveled italy by myself and slept on a bench in spain for two nights and that i could probably handle piscataway...touche ma. touche.

wishing my friends were in town...

The spring tends to be a hard part of the year for me, usually for very little reason, and this Spring is no exception. I try really hard to not be as negative as I used to be, or have a tendency to be, but this year I'm really struggling to hold on to my resolve. I'm stir-crazy, like every year. That I can deal with. But in an effort to overcome...I don't know, overcome something, whatever it is that has been driving me crazy since I can remember, I have given up meat, alcohol, sugar, laziness, and started exercising every day. I committed myself to this because I wanted to feel better, physically and emotionally, and heal the damage I wreak on myself when I get stressed.
 But this isn't going well...I've realized that I now have rid myself of every major vice I have, and suddenly I have no way to cope or comfort myself. I decided not to take my same sculpture class this year with a plan in mind to expand what I was learning and take risks. Well, I don't think I'm learning very much in my other classes and I've been shunned from my school's art community. But risks, they're good right? This is just one of my annual depressive episodes, right? Cuz I know I should be positive, but this sucks.

Sorry for this post, I'm sure happier ones will come soon. bear with me...

ciao

I have decided to study abroad next semester. Since I can't finished the required Spanish courses to go to South America, and I love Art History, I'm applying to go to Italy, to Florence. I've always wanted to do a semester abroad and this is my last chance, and the program through my school looks like just what I want. I admit I'm nervous about what this will do to my family (it will also be the kid brother's first semester in college) but they're all supportive, and I know I'm just neurotic. This planning has, of course, given me the itch to go now, and not wait until the fall. Lucky, since in under 2 months, I'll be in Belize and Guatemala seeing ruins with my dad! I think my parents have set me up to become Indiana Jones. Seriously. College profs and travelers? I'm loving it...