It's been a while...

Happy (almost) New Year! Since I haven't blogged at all in way too long, I figured I'd indulge and write a lengthy post with many pictures. Please excuse the photo quality, I took them all with my phone. It is exciting, however, that this is the first thing I'm typing on my now functioning MacBook Pro since the beginning of the semester! Enjoy :)

Since my mother abandoned Holiday decorating once she bought her own home, the Christmas stuff usually falls to me, and I'm okay with that. This year, my mom actually participated, so I also received the gift of company while getting into a holiday mood. Now don't get me wrong, I might seem optimistic, but rest assured, Christmas is still by far my most stressful time of year. I laugh when I hear Christmas songs complaining about family, and I pull my hair out trying to finish my finals with any shred of sanity in tact. Which is why I've made decorating my de-stressor. The holidays usually start for me when Disney starts selling Christmas merchandise. Pretty much all of you know that I am in Disney every few months, and our shopping credo is

that if you want it, buy it now, or else it might be too late next time. Not the most thrifty approach, but the satisfaction makes it worth it. Anyways, this year, before Thanksgiving I already had a new Christmas shirt and earrings. Other than Disney, the holidays wait until December.

Since I was raised pretty devoutly Christian, every year we had the traditions of an Advent calendar, making wreaths, and putting out creches (of which my mom had collected many). This year, my mom pulled out her favorite creches and put them up on the mantle, and we made non-religious wreaths with ribbons and bells. And from Jesus-themed Advent calendars, we've moved to much more sophisticated waters: the Lego Advent calendar. Every year is a different theme, and one person opens one mini-set a day. This year's theme was the household, and my brother and mom and I loved it. I still did most of the trimmings, buying the tree and stringing the lights. I've found the perfect size tree for our small house, it's only about 2 feet tall! I also bought poinsettias because for some reason, Christmas isn't Christmas without them in my mind. Oh, and I pulled out the melted snowman stuffed animal (animal? thing?...) and put him right by my window. He's been perfect the last few days, with the snow melting outside. My mom and I also had fun baking a ton of cookies, most of which I photographed. We made shortbread (with and without raspberry jam), seven-layer bars, chocolate pecan, peppermint swirl, icebox, peanut butter hershey kiss, pecan crescent, and gingerbread cookies. I even made my own Royal icing and decorated the gingerbread with a pastry tip! I free-formed my own gingerbread train car (see picture below). And of course, I made the annual cinnamon cookies and anise cookies I do with my grandparents.

In other news, I think I've adopted a cat. She/He showed up on our deck a few weeks ago, and after close observation we have opted to believe that the cat is not and has never been a house cat. My mother has been, since I moved in, absolute in her no-pet rule, but we agreed that not having a pet inside didn't break the rule. So we did what will probably be a mistake. We fed the cat. Between then and the snow, we have been feeding it and putting out fresh (unfrozen) water. I've been a bit worried about her since the blizzard though. The biggest dilemma we've had so far is exactly what to feed her. My mother and I became vegetarians just over a year ago, and my little brother doesn't really eat, so there is no meat in the house, and it felt very strange to suddenly be buying animal by-products for the cat. We might have to be total crazies and convert the feline.

Post Christmas- In an effort to overcome artistic frustration that has persisted for much longer than I had hoped it would, I have been vigorously studying animation. I've been a Pixar obsessive since the first Toy Story movie came out, and I like to brag to my family members that I'm going to grow up to be the next John Lasseter. I've been studying both 2D and 3D animation, and now have a textbook on how to teach yourself in the subject. All I need now is an animation light box table. Still in the research phase...

Well, I guess that's enough said, at least for one blog post. I'll leave you with an Engaged Buddhist teaching I received via Facebook this week that struck me: For the New Year, instead of wishing you happiness or wealth, I wish you nothing. I wish you nothing because I trust that that the seeds of happiness and mindfulness you have sown this previous year will blossom into beautiful, strong flowers. And I wish you the best not for the future, but for the present moment, which is all we have. So with that thought, Happy New Year!

I'll definitely be blogging more in the Spring, and I have a few ideas for new posts or entire blogs, like blogging about my set design or historic preservation internships, so I'll let you know. Anyway, here are the Christmas photos this year:

P.S. I'll give points to anyone who can find my one monster Gingerbread cookie! Proof that I may have lost my mind doing those...

Thanksgiving resolution

Happy turkey day, or in my case, I guess, tofurkey day. Thought I'd fill everybody in on my most recent self-bettering project. Most only last about a week, so we'll see, but I will try to stick it out. I have been very inspired  to do something because of all the Disney and Pixar books, movies, etc. that I've been looking at lately. So, I've decided to ramp up my drawing in hopes that it will become artistic production, or inspire other production, or at least just improve my drawing abilities. This blog post is a witness that I am promising myself at least 5 drawings a day until 2011, and then after the new year, 5 additional drawings a day each month. That way, in a year, I'll be at 60 drawings a day (ambitious I know). This might seem insane, but really, if I want to be excellent I need it. Ubb Iworks, who was Walt Disney's original partner in animation and helped create many of his early works, at the height of production, produced over 600 cels (drawings) a day. Mine don't need to be fancy or tedious, I just need practice physically, and intellectually in composing and putting down quick sketches.  I've already begun in 3 different sketchbooks. One I take to school, one is at home downstairs, and one sits up by my bed. Think I'm crazy? Me too. But we'll see how it goes...hopefully, I'll get close to the 11,875.

boo

True to the title of this blog, I have been doing somewhat artsy projects since I dropped my art classes in school for the semester. Halloween is pretty much my favorite holiday, and to avoid homework and papers I've been practicing the "crafts" side of my artistic self. After all, with an ex-preschool teacher as a mother, I have an unlimited supply of accessible craft ideas. I also just really like buying and receiving Halloween stuff, like Disney Halloween Silly Bandz, treats sent from my grandfather, and my new tea mug. And I made some Halloween cards. The spider is my favorite. So anyways, here's this year's collection of trinkets and seasonal projects in photos. And if anyone has Halloween movie ideas, please leave me comments! I'd love suggestions, I plan on watching movie after movie :) Happy Halloween everyone!

thanks

Writing this post, I began just wanting to share that I'm leaving for Disney on thursday and how excited I am, but in truth, there's something much more pressing that's nagging at me that I'd rather write instead. So here goes.

Depending on who you are, you may or may not know about the beginnings of my coming out story.The first person I really told about it was around the start of high school, and that at the time it didn't feel like a big deal. At the time, my parents had recently announced that they were separating, my big brother, who was more or less my hero, had just left for college for the first year, I had just changed schools, moved into a new house, had to commute everyday between the two houses for the first time, and found out I had medical problem I'd have to cope with and that has no real solution.

Since high school, my coming out has been a bit of a rolling stone, gaining momentum with each person I tell. Typical of my introverted self, I had brewed the question over for years, and finally one night spilled the beans, in code, to a friend who ended up spilling the same beans back to me. I am so amazingly lucky and thankful for that first experience and that friend because it gave me hope that the people I loved wouldn't reject me. From 11 years old, when a group of six girls sat in a circle around a candle and first brought up the possibility of being gay, though I don't think we even ever used the word, I thought about it all the time. In fact, before this was brought up in our confidential group, it had never crossed my mind. But I knew something was up, since through nearly all of elementary school I was talked about, made fun of, and often ostracized.

When I got to middle school, I was lucky to make weird, crazy, amazing friends that never seems phased by anything I did or said. And then in high school, when I was a bit bomb-shelled, and kind of lonely, I met friends who were also amazing and kind. The school had a community that was diverse and open unlike any I had experienced. I had wonderful teachers, and inspiring examples of what it was like to be different in some way. And then I got to college, where I had enough confidence to attend a Queer Ball, and I love the queer community there. I even came out to my mom, and my younger brother freshman year.

And so, because of Tyler Clementi's death and the rise of the "It Gets Better" movement, I needed to write this. I have been immersed in my own thoughts for the last few weeks, and wasn't really sure how to respond to everything. But I realized while watching videos and seeing articles everywhere that all I felt like doing was saying thank you to everyone in my life. Thank you to my friends who started me thinking about who I am, thank you to the friends that accepted me when I needed you, and thank you to my teachers, who convinced me not only that it gets better but that I have the potential to be more amazing because I'm different. To those of you who read this, thank you. I am still alive and happy because of you. You have no idea what you mean to me. Because of you, it keeps on getting better and better. Thank you!

end of september

Well, after a crazy, ridiculous September, full of surgeries, serious car troubles and a general lack of sleep, my family is very happy October is almost here. I am treating myself, and leaving in ten minutes for another Buddhist Retreat in the Catskills. This one is a Creative Arts retreat, and I'm so so excited to go! Been in a total artist duldrum, and hopefully this will get me a little more relaxed and maybe inspired. Anyways, I'll be back Tuesday. Hope everyone made it through yet another "start of school" without serious afflictions, and hoorah it's almost October! Then I can start cooking with pumkin and cinnamon and wearing my comfy clothes and decorating the house for Halloween!

Peace out! I know I will :)

Not to be a total downer but I might just deem this year the 'year of artistic crisis'. Geesh. No other way to put it, this sucks. Sorry for the bad news.

Ohhhhh dear. This morning I saw a headline "bikers irate over..."

I got to the word irate, and I didn't understand. I thought to myself, what kind of stupid new iphone application is that? Oh, Apple, what have you done to my literacy??

My roommate, who I haven't really been close to, we've tolerated each other but aren't friends, walked into the kitchen the other day. She starts making herself a sandwich and just suddenly says "I really want to go home. I really miss home." For someone who has said just the opposite for the whole trip and hasn't really opened up, this comment was totally out of the blue. I didn't really know how to respond, so I just said something like, yeah, me too. My handling of the situation wasn't exactly what it could have been, but really, 4 days left of the program, and now you decide we should be friends? Geesh, give me a little heads up next time. Still, I hope she's doing ok, because she skipped class this morning...don't I feel like a schmuck.

Period Week

18 girls together for 5 weeks in 1 hotel = 1 giant period week. and the last week, too, so emotions are being flung like hot crepes at each other for the past two days. too intense for me! 3 more days of this and I'm free! (and still in Paris, so it's a win-win methinks)

Don't really have all that much to report besides what on http://aparisiansummer.blogspot.com/. I do have to admit that I'm kind of glad class will be over in two weeks, and I'll be free of my roomies. Still, three weeks went crazy fast, and I'm just starting to adjust to the fact that I'm living in Paris. Don't really ever want to move, but I do miss home. Mainly going to the movies, and just the convenience of having everything. I think if I knew French I wouldn't come home. I feel like I'm not even doing enough while I'm here, though I know that's probably crazy. I know I can't see EVERYTHING, but it doesn't mean I don't want to. This trip has done one thing for sure: made me realize I need to come back. Also, the idea of further degrees in art history seem more and more exciting. I want to know all the tiny details and the big picture that my profs know. I want to know how everything relates to everything else, and study cultures. I love talking to people who love art history, too! Oh, and a secret? After this class, I've decided to get up the guts to ask out my TA to coffee. :) Haven't asked anyone out in a long time, so I'm kinda nervous, but I really want to. Is it really so terrible that he may be like 10 years older than me? It could be less, but still it's at least like 6. Eek!

Whatever, those are my crazy thoughts for today. Kinda wish all my friends were here with me. It's too hard trying to retain everything I want to share for the day until the evening.

Little bit of Buddhism

Until we can separate ourselves from our own looks, thoughts, actions, and personality, we will be a prisoner forever to who we are right now. I don't know about anyone else, but I want to be different. I want to be less angry, less judgmental, less cynical. I'm gonna work on separating from my thoughts. I think it's a fantastic concept I learned from Buddhism, and really need it this month...

Great Thich Nhat Hanh quote: "...free ourselves from the superiority complex, the inferiority complex, and the equality complex."

A Bad Day

Have to be honest, tonight I'm feeling kind of like a failure right now. I can't deal with the roommates. I've done this situation before many times, I don't know why I can't do this now. I'm both disappointed in myself for not being able to deal with it and desperate to find somewhere else to stay. Oh well...

If anyone needs the peppier, happy postings, here's the link to the official summer blog that everyone and their cousin is apparently reading. No, it's good, really. I like that everyone is enjoying it. Here's the link:http://aparisiansummer.blogspot.com/

In the meantime, here is where I will post what I'd only admit to friends I know well. Like the fact that today was not a good day even though it was supposed to be.

Grow up, Get a backbone, Be Yourself

I know I'm supposed to be super-duper peppy and excited about everything on my trip, but I'm really tired of constantly being around people all the time. The sites are truly amazing, and I cannot even express how inspiring they are, but you start to feel seriously cramped when every minute of it, you have to look out for someone's foot who you're standing next to, or walking at that awkward pace groups always have, or making awkward conversation with people and nothing more. Like people, if you're gonna walk, make up your mind and MOVE. From the minute I wake up in the morning to when I go to bed (or try to, after I've kicked my chatting roommates and others out of the room I sleep in) I am surrounded by the same people all the time. I'm more of a me person. I really like spending hours by myself, not mere seconds. Eek! I needed that rant...

After the first week, think there will be any luck on people splitting off more? I've realized it's impossible to maintain boundaries and act anything like a college student "should." Soooo, I'm done acting like a college student after this trip. No, I don't want to get drunk, stoned, and whatever else. No, I don't want to get 3 hours of sleep and then complain about how tired I am. No, I don't want to make other people happy by doing stupid things. Get a gut and a brain people! It's not that terrifying having opinions that don't rely on the people around you. Geesh.

Maybe I'll choose to go somewhere this weekend where others really don't want to go! Ahh, two days of freedom, that'd be fantastic. Who knows if I'd come back to Paris... :)

there's a first time for everything

Since I can remember I've been traveling and seeing new places. Over the years, I have fell in love with it, and now I don't think twice about buying one round-trip plane ticket for a new place and jetting off by myself. I love everything about these new places, the biggest attraction being predominantly that it's not where I came from.
Now, I don't know if it's because I've resolved a lot of stuff recently, or what, but when I travel, it's completely different. Instead of loving everything new and different from home, I find all my joy in the little things that remind me of home. Yesterday my favorite part of the day was finding honeysuckle outside a mall. It smelled like home, and reminded me of my little brother bugging me since February about when the Honeysuckle blooms. It would seem that while I haven't given up my drop-everything-escapist fantasy completely, I now find myself wanting to be home.

For the first time, before I left I was sad about what I would miss back home, like all the fruit salads, afternoons lounging on the back deck, sailing on Barnaget, going to the same movie with my brother everyday for a week and not telling anyone, making ridiculous random art out of whatever I can find, practicing my baking, and just generally being with my family. Summer is the time when we can actually talk to each other, and not rush off to school or work. I know I don't handle change well, and I admit I'm just getting comfortable in my new life, but I think it just dawned on me that my kid brother will leave for college in just over a year. I've done the whole moving out thing with my older brother, my mom, and then me moving out of my dad's home. Damn, I really wish I didn't have to do this again.

Someone convince me I'll have a better relationship with my kid brother when he goes to college than I do (even now) with my big brother? I usually escape from the changes in my life, and I think right now I'm feeling the need to hold onto everything before it goes to hell. Well, I've remade my family before, I guess I'll learn how to do it again. Can I just go back to loving to travel and forgetting everything but right here? I'm in Paris, for goodness sake...

Help!

really need some advice from anyone. I have to choose between not taking a sculpture course in the fall and a possible sculpture independent study. I would have to have the same professor, and his class (mainly he) has sort of been choking any creative inspiration of mine for a while. I was considering not taking the class and working on my own, loosening up a bit, less pressure. Here's the tricky part: most of my friends are in sculpture and they are really important to me, and I can't get a studio without taking an art class there. I'm treated by some faculty sort of as a beginning prodigy, which I think is sweet but also is frightening me into not making any pieces. I would have to apply to my prof for a possible independent study and work solely with him, but I could have a studio and work around my friends. Or I could explore on my own and find out what I'm actually interested in making, whether my prof approves or not. What the hell do I do? And I need to decide before leaving in 3 weeks for France...I hate lose-lose decisions.

the 40's

This is a bit of a long post, but important to me. My brother is doing a project for school on the 40's so we asked my grandfather for music of the time, and he's gotten really into revisiting the decade. For background, my grandfather was in WWII, on a Navy battleship in the South Pacific, signed up before the US got involved. He survived Pearl Harbor and was discharged when his dad died to go home and care for his mother. One of his older brothers was also working in the war efforts. My grandfather was in the service from the time he was 17 to almost 22.
So he calls us today with a scenario he's clearly planned out about if we were in the war, and what it would be like. We were too mesmerized to think of recording the call, but I tried to type up the gist of the story. It's sparse and not well done, but I thought it was a great story. Below is what I got of it. Also, here's a song from one of the CD's of WWII music, one of my favs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKW0QZgi79M

You know, you get a letter in the mail this week, saying the government is interested in your sister’s artwork and would she send in a portfolio of her work. They want her work to make posters. And you’re trying out at Paper Mill Playhouse. They put on four shows in the season, and you’re auditioning for a, for the plays. You’re graduating in a year, and you and your girlfriend are going to college. She’s going off to college to study. Your sister goes into New York City to show her portfolio to the government, you know. And the next week a letter comes in the mail for you. It’s a draft letter, and you’re going into the army. Or see the world, into the navy. You have to report to camp and they give you two weeks to sort out your affairs and such. And then you have to report.

So when you’re at camp there’s no phone. Only phone you can use is when you’re on leave, and you got your quarters. So there’s no phone, you can’t call home. You said goodbye to family, to your mom, your sister. You don’t have pictures of them or anything. And you say goodbye to your girl, and she says goodbye. You take a picture of her with you, and she has one of you. You don’t have any pictures in uniform yet, though, so you go to those booths they had. You know, a quarter for four photos, that type of thing.

Anyway, when you’re not on leave, there’s no phone to call home, so you write to each other. You get letters from your mother. You loose touch, you see. You get letters, sure, but, you know. You don’t know how your girl is. You don’t know what your sister’s doing. And your girl too. She’s of at college, learning. She’s studying in secretarial school or teaching. ‘Cuz you know, the girls took over the work force while the men were gone. Not just Rosie the Riveter. The young college girls trained as secretaries or industry, they were working now. They weren’t working when you left.

And so your girl tells you there’s a formal at school. And a week or two go by, and you ask her, but what about the formal? And she doesn’t answer. You know, on leave you get guys coming back, saying they got married on leave. Yeah, they say, but does she write to you? Well, no. See? So you’re wondering about her, and you’re wondering about your family. And you don’t know if your sister is working with government, making government posters. You don’t hear from her. Your brother is two years ahead, over in the action in Europe, so you don’t hear from him. So you start to wonder, and she wonders about you too. Don’t know what happens, you know. And when you get back, who knows. She’s not there, or some things have changed. You know, it’s different. It’s not the same anymore.

Anyway, just thought I’d give you that scenario I was thinking of, and I’ll call you if I think of anything else. I guess sone things just came back to me after I heard the hit parade music, you know? Anyway, I won’t bother you any longer. I'll say goodnight.

SAY WHAT?!?!?

"Dear Catherine,

It gives me great pleasure to inform you that the Scholarship Committee has awarded you an Art History in Paris Scholarship in the amount of $1500 to assist with the program costs for your summer abroad. I congratulate you on this award. This scholarship money will be credited to your student account for the summer 2010 semester within 2 weeks of your enrollment in the program.

I hope that you find the Study Abroad program to be a rewarding and enriching experience. We look forward to hearing about the progress you have made during your time spent abroad. Should you need help or advice, please feel free to consult with the Study Abroad Staff. We are happy to help! Good luck and Bon voyage!

Sincerely,

The Scholarship Committee"

:)

I love my mommy!

Kinda confused and totally thrilled! At dinner tonight with my mom and big brother, my mother made me a deal. I have my very long, long not so great history with dentists and while I take care of my teeth, I haven't visited a dentist since I got out of high school. I have secured a minor phobia of all medical professionals, so I also haven't checked about pain that I think is my wisdom teeth coming in. My mother made me the deal that if I start going to a dentist, next year she'll pay for me to get braces...again. I have been trying to save money for braces for about 3 1/2 years, with not much success, and I would be soooo excited and so thankful for anyone to just give them to me! I will research dentists starting Wednesday, when my finals get over. Hopefully get a real check-up before I leave for Europe in June...

And I thought Mother's Day was about giving my mother something! Good dinner and free braces= the best Mother's Day I've ever had! haha

Well, long, ridiculous story short, I brought home (more accurately rolled home) a new piece of wood to carve. It's red wood, and will take forever, but I'm very excited. And I found a straggler my brother and I must have picked up on the roll home...
In other news, I am very excited to say 3 out of 6 of my seeds are planted, the buckets are ready to go and I'm excited for fresh veggies!! Here are a few photos of the new log.

Let's Take an Example from the Past

Let them hate us,

Let them ignore us,

Let them get angry,

Let them resist our insistence.

If they knew for sure

That we were wrong,

That we are unnatural,

That we didn’t deserve equality,

They would sigh at us,

They would brush us off,

And smile at their superiority,

Like you’d smile at a silly dream.

But they wouldn’t hate us,

And they wouldn’t fight us,

And they wouldn’t argue with us,

They wouldn’t be angry.

So, please, be angry.

For my rights, get angry.

Because when they get angry,

We become real.

It's almost summer...

Finally got back from Denver. Good trip, but it felt like forever since I'd left. This school year was a bit insane and just confusing, but I can tell you that since my last class for the semester Thursday afternoon, I've read three books and am reading three right now, have actually opened my sketchbook for the first time since about 2008, and I feel like I'm interested in everything again. Makes me wonder again why the heck I'm in school...I'm sure in a week I'll remember, but until then I'm very excited to be learning about whatever I'm interested in, and not be committed to something I signed up for off of a course title in November.

...Well, except for finals! Wish me luck, done next Wednesday and then my phone should be ringing off the hook with all of your guys' calls! :)

have to remember to post photos of a new piece.and remember to actually take them first.

Academic Excellence Award

So I might not get crazy internships, or do ridiculous extra-curriculars, but academics come easily at least. Got an award today from Rutgers for being in the top 10 percent of sophomores in School of Arts and Sciences. It all seemed a little absurd, but I'll show as much pride as I'm capable of (which I guess is really not much) and what's appropriate with the photo. Here's me with the piece of paper signed by a computer that says I am academically excellent...I'm sure in a few days you will see several more photos on facebook thanks to dear old mom...

i love music

I think I'm crazy. With all the music stuff my brother has been doing, I got inspired. I'm singing again, and now I'm teaching myself piano. I've been practicing way more hours than anything like school work and I signed up for a dance class next fall for credit at school. Who knows, might even have the guts to go for a choir, too. Where and when exactly did I loose my confidence to perform in the first place? I'm the biggest drama queen ever...and kinda feeling like I wanna be on stage again.

And, no, I am not trying to get on Glee, like the rest of the populous...

More life

Today I finally submitted my form to be labeled as an Art History and Visual Arts Major. I got the signatures and am totally set. And, you know, I got a serious sense of authorship out of this. It felt good to have made a decision and commit to it, especially one I'm excited about. Feel like this is the first real decision I've made in a while that's totally mine. Good day.

bt dubs, if anyone is looking for new music, I currently have a really serious addiction and obsession with John Barrowman. I even had a dream about meeting him a couple weeks ago. i love his voice so much, I keep urging the little bro to learn from his broadway songs...i don't think its working. oh well, he's still my hero for everything he does! :)

SeGi love

I know I don't talk about issues going on like...ever. But I think I need a SeGi's ear. Maybe this two years without a seance has caught up with me. I've got some tough choices coming up, and I might need someone to talk to. So call me so I can make sense of things? Don't worry, I'm not pregnant or anything crazy...

Earthworms

To avoid lots of work, I figured I would write a blog post on something totally nonsensical: my education about earthworms. I thought about this today when it rained and you see all the worms looking kind of sad on the pavement everywhere. Actually, I think about this whenever it rains.

When I was little, I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, who gardened everyday. She tried to teach me lessons here and there about what to do and why. Well, I was that little girlie-girl who was disgusted by bugs, so when she dug up a worm, I said eww and wanted to kill the thing. My grandmother patiently explained that the worms were good for the plants in how they kept the soil, and we should just put them back and cover them up so they don't get sunburned and die.
Well me, thinking I was so smart, would cover any worms in the garden whenever I saw them, and felt like I was doing a good deed. So naturally when it rained and there were worms sprawled all over, exposed to the elements, I felt it was my responsibility to put each and every worm from my driveway back into their hole in the ground. The fact that the hole was full with rainwater didn't even phase me. I had to protect the worms from being out in the open. I was so proud of myself I went and told my grandmother. She laughed so hard and then told me that they all would drown from me putting them in the holes. I was so upset, I get anxiety seeing worms when it's raining out now. It's like I don't know what to do, especially when they're in puddles deep enough to drown in... and I think I still feel guilty for killing all those poor worms trying to procreate...

Anyways, when it rains I always think about how I was the earthworm killer once upon a time. And that's my story for the day...

Wake Up, Get Real Retreat

So I've been contemplating what to write about my spring break last week. I went on a 5 day Young Adults Buddhist retreat at a monastery upstate. As after all retreats, I came home blissed out swearing I wanted to be a monastic. And those I say genuinely. This retreat, though, was different for me. Not sure whether it was the people or the place or maybe I'm finally in the right state of mind, but this retreat just totally captured me.
I've been having these awakening moments more and more and keep getting deeper into this stuff, and it's all just a result of where I am and what goes on. I didn't really get the first retreat I went to. Since then its been growing on me, I start thinking about it more and considering what it would be like to practice mindfulness and compassionate consumption, etc. Last retreat I came home and was too uncomfortable to start eating meat again, not really thinking about being a vegetarian 7 months later.

After this retreat, it's catapulted. I can't stop thinking about it, both the retreat there and my mindfulness here. It no longer feels like an interest or hobby. It's like something I have to do, like breathing or sleeping. I try to stop thinking about it or get back to "normal" and its like I'm suffocating. It's like I'm trying to be someone else. I think I just have to ride this thing out and see where it takes me. Might be monastic life down the line. Might not. I've met some seriously cool monks and nuns (all on facebook, so I wouldn't loose contact with anyone...)

I also found a most wonderful group of people at the retreat and we email each other like frantic 12 year olds during the day, sharing videos and recipes and planning days when we can go back. I had never been to Blue Cliff before and I haven't thought of myself as the kind of girl who is uber-religious or spiritual or whatever you want to call it. But this place feels like home. I feel like these people, monastics and lay people, are my family that I can call when I need them or visit whenever I want. I trust them with myself more than a lot of people I've known for some time. They make me love to death the same world I was sick of and resentful of last week. How can I not embrace that?

Anyways, I figured I should just say what was on my mind rather than explain all about why and how I got to be to this point. I don't know why I'm doing this, so I'm unsure what to write about it. I'm just doing it because I have to right now.

So, sorry if this all comes across as cultish. It's not, I swear, I'm not drinking any Kool-Aid...
Here's a picture of us to show you how normal it is:
And in case you want one that does look kind of cultish, see photo #2 :) (us receiving the Five Mindfulness Trainings. I'm in the green in the back, with my head to the ground...)

If you want to check out the monastery or about the practice, here's their website:
http://bluecliffmonastery.org/

Just call me the engine that could...

Just realized, after extensive organization, that I can easily graduate a semester early, and a year if I pushed myself. In fact, the way the credits fall, it would be kind of absurd to stay a whole other semester when I would even go over 17 credits each semester to graduate at the end of 2011. Also found out that, assuming general requirement credits and minor credits can overlap, I can minor in Anthropology as well as finish my Art History major and my Visual Arts major that I have now. This totally rocks more than I thought it would, and I'm not even including the possible 6 credits I could get this summer going to Paris! This means 1 semester's worth of tuition towards grad school and every little bit helps. Found the silver lining to my anxiety disorder and perfectionism :)

My own jailbait

Every time I go see a musical or operetta I learn yet again that I'd fall for anyone who can sing to me. Apparently I'm a sucker for singers or dancers, would have been nice to know when I was singing and dancing...

For the past few weeks I've been working on the costumes for my little bro's musical, Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. For those of you who didn't know me before I was ten, I was obsessed with this musical for years. I still know every word and note to the operetta. Thought I was crazy getting dragged into costuming, but it has been a total blast! Last night was opening night, and everything went great! It's not much of a secret that I am a second mom to my younger brother, and I adored seeing him perform. He's gotten so much better! The issue now, however, is that I was planning to study abroad next Spring. This would be the second half of my brother's senior year in high school, when he does his final musical. I really don't want to miss that or his graduation. So I was thinking of studying abroad fall of my senior year instead. That would be Jason's freshman year, and he'll be out of the house anyway. Plus, all of my friends at school will have graduated by then. The solution seems to work, I just don't want to find any more excuses to postpone and not go...

For now, though, I have something more to add to my portfolio. Might even look for a job working at a theatre. Jason and I want to become a Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Weber duo and write amazing things now, too, since Jason has started composing.

Btw, did I mention that I totally have a crush on one of the kids playing Joseph this year? Makes the show even better. :)

Can I be an adult but not be a grown-up please?

This must sound crazy from a 20 year old, but I've seriously been itching to settle down. I still have my Jersey cabin fever and want to live abroad, but I'm getting to the point where I would just really like to find someone, get a place to live, find a permanent (or at least semi-permanent for now) job, and start my own family. Maybe it's just because my brother has started to do this, or I watch too much tv, haha. Either way, I'm quickly tiring of living like a college student, having little or no responsibility and just cruising through everything. Not interested in partying anymore, or picking up my life and moving to try new things. I want to move to somewhere I know I'll stay for a bit. Good thing we have an economy that's just so inviting for young people to start living on their own...or not.

But who knows, maybe I'll meet a really cute, really rich girl in Italy next Spring, or maybe even in Paris this summer (going is only a possibility), we'll get hitched, and I wont come home. Sounds like a plan, right? Anyone reading this had better visit me wherever I end up! :)

Snowmaggedon

I feel like an elementary school kid with how excited I am about the snow! I think I'm going to have to take a few hours tomorrow to do snow sculpting and see what I can achieve. :) Plus, the adult part of me is soo glad for an extra work day. Snow days are unlike anything. They are an excuse to do no work, not answer your phone, and not even leave the house. They're better than just a day off. I'm totally gonna make hot chocolate and some kind of delicious dessert. Ya know, in between all that reading and work I'm gonna get done... ;)

one score

Well, since it is after midnight NY time, I am officially turning 20 today. Despite its usual anticlimactic feel, I've been waiting for this for a while. Instead of feeling older, I just feel like a really baby adult now. still, I'm very excited to go celebrate with my family on sunday.