missing

*Warning: Glee spoiler ahead

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I've been more than a little overrun by all I've taken on, what with designing and creating the costumes for a high school musical, classes, graduation stuff, finding a job, and just general readjustment to home life. Until today I would have said that I've been handling things quite well, and things are pretty normal.

But this evening, I had a hankering to watch one of my favorite shows, Glee. I had been watching each week in Dublin and every episode felt significant when I was there. Anything I saw or heard or did felt significant in a really beautiful way when I was in Ireland. I felt like everything was a gift that I was given and was determined to take the most wisdom I could from anything. Here, on the other hand, it was easy to slip into my habits, my usual way of life. And for almost 3 months I felt like four months of my life just didn't exist, as if I had slept through the fall and it went on without me. Dublin just feels like a dream I had in which no one else really knows anything about it and it's a private memory. So it's also been a private grief I've felt at the loss of a brand new life.
Now I know I'm crazy and very much not like most people with my theories and beliefs, but I don't think the mind and body are separate, and I think our bodies sometimes give us what we can't let ourselves have, even if it's the side effects of getting sick. Have you ever noticed that it's too often the singers that get throat cancer? Or the athletes that hurt their ankle? I'm not saying it's on purpose, more that maybe our subconscious and our immune system knows when we need a break. For the past two months I've suffered from small things here and there. Ran into a door and had a bad bruise. Had a stool collapse on me and could barely sit for a week. Had a tooth infection act up. And most recently, I have a sinus infection. Through all of this, I continued to do everything like before, trying to ignore the pain and push through what I felt I had to get done.

But I saw a Glee episode tonight about a gay teen who tries to commit suicide. Suddenly I was back to my second week in Ireland, when I learned that a good friend had done the same. And succeeded. While in Dublin I had wonderful friends who helped me come to terms with the situation, but somehow being home, it's like dealing with it all over again. Only everyone else around me already did this.

Tonight is the first time I let myself slow down enough to realize just how hard this transition back home has been. I know it was only four months, but it was more than just a location change. It was creating a new start, beginning over again all by myself. It was a life that felt like it was mine alone and I was the only stakeholder. Coming back to graduation and family and friends and finding a job- frankly, I'm a bit overwhelmed and scared. For the first time since I've been home, I let myself feel how much I really miss my other life, and watching this tv show, all I could think about was how my friend won't get to miss anything or do anything new. She won't be older than 22 or hit new milestones. She won't watch Glee, her favorite show, and relate to the issues they sing about.

So I think what my body is telling me is that maybe I need to take it slow and be sad for a little while, for me and for her. I apologize for writing a rather dim, depressing post after this long, but I thank you for reading it. Just having an outlet for my thoughts is enough for me, and makes me so thankful for everything I have!

Happy St. Patrick's Day this weekend everyone!